Somewhere in a prison in Ephesus ...

[Somewhere in a prison in Ephesus]

 

Paul: “Epaphroditus, I’m responding to the wonderful gift you brought from the church in Philippi. Could you please check this for any typos?”

 

Epaphroditus: “Did you mean τύπος?”

 

Paul: “What?”

 

Epaphroditus: “Never mind. Certainly, I’ll look it over.”

 

[begins reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “So far so good.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Wait. ‘πολλῷ γὰρ μᾶλλον κρεῖσσον.’ That’s laying it on a bit thick, isn’t it?”

 

Paul: “You think I should tone it down a bit?”

 

Epaphroditus: (deliberating) “Uh … Nah. Go ahead and leave it like that.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “A lot about of suffering in here. You should mention my illness.”

 

Paul: “I do. Keep reading.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Ah”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “And joy. Good.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Hmmm. Wow. Yes, that poem you added beginning with ‘τοῦτο φρονεῖτε ἐν ὑμῖν ὃ καὶ ἐν Χριστῷ Ἰησοῦ’ – that’s quite brilliant right there.”

 

Paul: “I’m quite pleased with that part myself.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: ‘πᾶν γόνυ κάμψῃ … πᾶσα γλῶσσα ἐξομολογήσηται.’ Ah, you’re quoting that verse from Isaiah about God. And you’re applying it directly to Jesus. Just like you inserted Jesus into the Shema in your second letter to the church in Corinth. Yeah, that’s good stuff.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “‘μετὰ φόβου καὶ τρόμου τὴν ἑαυτῶν σωτηρίαν κατεργάζεσθε  θεὸς γάρ ἐστιν ὁ ἐνεργῶν ἐν ὑμῖν καὶ τὸ θέλειν καὶ τὸ ἐνεργεῖν ὑπὲρ τῆς εὐδοκίας.’ Oh, that’s gold there, Paul. That does sound a bit like James the Just though.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Oh, here’s the bit about me.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Why thank you, Paul!”

 

Paul: “Don’t mention it.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Though you could mention here that I almost died.”

 

Paul: “I mention it below. Keep reading.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Ah, yes. Still, mention it again. Tell them my life was in danger.”

 

Paul: “If you so wish.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Woa! ‘βλέπετε τοὺς κύνας βλέπετε τοὺς κακοὺς ἐργάτας βλέπετε τὴν κατατομήν.’ That’s a bit rough, don’t you think?”

 

Paul: “I’m not changing it.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “I didn’t know you were from the tribe of Benjamin. Is it true you’re all left-handed?”

 

Paul: “Actually, I was born left-handed but my rabbi forced me to write with my other hand. That’s why my handwriting is so poor.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Yes …”

 

Paul: “And it doesn’t help that my eyesight is bad.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Such large lettering. You really should just dictate this to Tertius. Just sign your name at the end.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Woa! Woa, woa!! Paul! You can’t say σκύβαλα.”

 

Paul: “Well, why not?”

 

Epaphroditus: “Because … because this is supposed to be read out loud in church. I’m the one who’s going to have to read this to them. You’re going to shock the old ladies …”

 

Paul: “The shock value is the point.”

 

Epaphroditus: “… the youth on the back row will be snickering …”

 

Paul: “I was inspired to write that.”

 

Epaphroditus: “I really urge you to consider changing it.”

 

Paul: “I’m not changing it.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Paul …”

 

Paul: “I’m going to assert my apostleship here.”

 

Epaphroditus: “I’m an apostle, too!”

 

Paul: “I’ve seen the risen Christ.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Fine!”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Hmm. A lot more in here about suffering and humbleness. That’s all good.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “And the resurrection. Good.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Hmm. You’re handwriting really is bad, isn’t it? Is that ‘τό αυτό φρονείν’ or ‘τῷ αὐτῷ στοιχεῖν’ or …?”

 

Paul: “τῷ αὐτῷ στοιχεῖν.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Ah, yes.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Oh, wait. You’re connecting one’s present suffering and humbleness with that of Christ’s and then his resurrection and then, therefore, our eventual resurrection and the glory of a race well run … We’re supposed to imitate you because you’re imitating Christ … I gotcha. I see what you’re doing here.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “‘ὥστε ἀδελφοί μου ἀγαπητοὶ καὶ ἐπιπόθητοι χαρὰ καὶ στέφανός μου.’ That’s quite lovely, Paul. Quite sweet.”

 

Paul: “It comes from the heart.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Well, this all looks pretty good – apart from the obvious σκύβαλα – so make whatever corrections you wish. [Calling to the guards] Alright, let me out! [To Paul] I’ll be back tomorrow.”

 

Paul: “The grace of the Lord Jesus, the Messiah, be with your spirit.”

 

Somewhere at a Bible Translation Society …

TEXTUAL CRITIC #1: “So how is your part of the translation going? What are you working on today?”

 

TC #2: “Well you may ask. You remember that poetic passage in the Old Testament that talks about creation itself bringing glory to God and how the very trees applaud the Lord?”

 

TC #1: “Of course.”

 

TC #2: “Well, I was reading the Masoretic text (circa 700s CE) and the Hebrew reads, ‘the trees clap hams for the Lord.’”

 

TC #1: (Pause) “’The trees clap hams?’”

 

TC #2: “’The trees clap hams.’”

 

TC #1: “Let me see that.” (Reads) “’The trees clap hams.’ Yep.”

 

TC #2: “Yep.”

 

TC #1: “Seems rather odd, doesn’t it?”

 

TC #2: “Well, it’s a poetic metaphor; it’s not to be taken literally.”

 

TC #1: “Granted, but the metaphor must maintain consistent internal sense in order to properly convey the appropriate theological concept. The smacking together of pork products is not generally considered a traditional form of showing praise – particularly Jewish praise.”

 

TC #2: “Ah. I see your point. Still, who are we to argue with unanimous attestation?”

 

TC #1: “Oh? Why, is the verse quoted or paraphrased anywhere in the New Testament?”

 

TC #2: “Negative.”

 

TC #1: “What about Philo, Josephus, the Talmud, the Targums, the Rabbinic traditions?”

 

TC #2: “Ah ha! They all say ‘clap hams.’ Though the strained explanations of its meaning amongst the rabbis vary wildly. Indeed, Maimonides, employing apophatic theology, thought ‘ham’ was just a negative attribution for ‘poultry.’”

 

TC #1: “What about the early church fathers? The Vulgate?”

 

TC #2: “Again, all unanimous in the attestation of ‘hams.’ And, just like the rabbinic literature, the allegorical interpretations of the Alexandrian school for ‘ham’ are legion. Naturally, Origen takes it to the extreme and quotes Jesus as saying, ‘If thy ham offends thee, cut it off.’”

 

TC #1: “Hmm. Even so, I still go back to the idea that the slapping of meat is not a customary form of demonstrating appreciation – at least amongst the Israelites.”

 

TC #2: “Perhaps it’s a haporx legomenon.”

 

TC #1: “Perhaps. Or perhaps … You know, the Hebrew ‘m’ and the Hebrew ‘n’ are quite similar letters. And the Hebrew word for ‘ham’ is quite close to the Hebrew word for ‘hand’. And seeing how it’s usually been more common to show approval by clapping hands rather than slamming together bits of swine …”

 

TC #2: “I think I see where you’re going with this.”

 

TC #1: “… it’s quite possible some ancient scribe erred in his transmission of a copy of the original text and wrote ‘hams’ where he should have written ‘hands.’”

 

TC #2: “Yes, I do see your argument.” (Pause) “Still, with such unanimous multiple attestations to ‘ham’ in near contemporaneous sources …”

 

TC # 3: (Approaching) “I just got back from looking at the Septuagint (circa 200 BCE). It reads ‘clap hams.’”

 

TC #1: “What?”

 

TC #2: “There you have it.”

 

TC #1: “Really? In the Greek?”

 

TC #4: (Approaching) “Not so fast! I just got back from the neighboring Jewish seminary …”

 

TC #2: “Good.”

 

TC #4: “… and I read their copy of the Samaritan Pentateuch (circa 200 BCE) …”

 

TC #1: “Good, yes.”

 

TC #4: “… and it reads ‘clap hands.’”

 

TC #2: “Huh.”

 

TC #1: “Huh.”

 

ALL: “Hmm.”

 

TC #2: “Bit of a textual stalemate, isn’t it?”

 

TC #5: (running up breathlessly) “Right. I just got through reading the Dead Sea Scrolls (circa 400 BCE) …”

 

TC #1: “Good.”

 

TC #2: “What, all of them?”

 

TC #5: “… and according to 4Q Pentateuch, 3Q Pentatuech Pesher, 6Q Pseudo-Enoch, and 4Q Aramaic War Pigs Scroll, they are unanimous: ‘The trees clap hands.’”

 

TC #1: “And there you have it.”

 

TC #2: “It’s conclusive.”

 

TC #1: “Hands.”

 

TC #3: “No doubt.”

 

TC #2: “No question. Hands down.”

 

TC #1: “Okay, now that we have definitely established that the Holy Spirit inspired the ancient prophet to write ‘claps hands’, let me remind you that we are producing this translation for a non-charismatic denomination that believes clapping hands to music in a worship service is worldly behavior. Therefore, I recommend we translate this verse as ‘The trees clap hens’ but add a footnote that reads ‘Many manuscripts read “hands.”’ A negative attribution. All in favor?”

 

ALL: (Hands up) “Aye!”

 

TC #1: “Consensus reached. Unanimous attestation.”

Hunting the Urban Hipster

(Whispering, intoned sotto voce) Today we are at Wegman’s on the hunt for the lone Eastern Pennsylvanian Hipster or Coolus obscurus.

Our guide is big game hunter, Mookie Robinson. Mookie is a tough, white, fearless hunter who has chosen to live in the violent, unrelenting world of millennial, urban life, where only the ironic survive.

We are currently established in the organic food isle of the Wegman’s grocery store. It’s quiet. We first see a beatnik pass.

Suddenly, Mookie crouches to examine some hipster spoor. Chuck Taylor All-Star tracks and a Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle cap. The hipster is close.

Mookie puts out a box of organic gluten-free grains with the label “sustainability” printed on it to lure the hipster out into the open.

We hide behind crates of imported cheeses and wait.

Suddenly, Mookie spots the hipster we’re after.

And there it is! A truly magnificent specimen. The hipster looks to be about six feet tall, with a plaid shirt, bowtie, tight jeans, Sylvia Plath cardigan, and Buddy Holly glasses. The beard weighs two pounds and is easily capable of sopping up a bowl of lintel soup. From the looks of the hipster, it’s probably into knitting, veganism, urban beekeeping, and bookbinding classes. The real embodiment of postmodernism as a spent force, revealing what happens when pastiche and irony exhaust themselves as aesthetics.

The hipster slowly approaches the box of organic food. Two more strides and the hipster could reach out and touch someone with its beard.

Mookie raises his rifle. For the past few months, he’s been rehearsing this moment in his bedroom closet in Brooklyn, aiming, reloading, aiming again. He shoots. The rifle’s thunder is somehow insigni­ficant. The shot catches the hipster in the appropriate place, in the iPod.

But a hipster iPod is a big piece of equipment—it can include thousands of songs from obscure 80s and 90s bands that you’ve probably never heard of, all on continuous shuffle.

Mookie’s bullet did not apparently disrupt the iPod enough to take down the hipster in a single shot. It shakes its head, as if to wag away the pain of distorted indie music. There is a second shot that strikes it in the earbuds. It turns to flee, probably towards its fixed gear bicycle, but its right foreleg has buckled. It drops its iPod. It strives to stand. It steps on the iPod. The earbuds pull it down. Right in the middle of Bob Marley’s “Get Up, Stand Up”. The hipster falls without realizing the irony. It’s a success. The hipster is dead. But Mookie must make sure. He fires a final shot. There is nothing more dangerous than a wounded hipster.

But the hunt is not over. With well-practiced skill Mookie skins the hipster. The beard of a full grown male hipster can in fact fetch anything up to $4 on the open market.

The long day is over and it’s back to base camp for a night’s rest.

The Next Pope? An Inquiry

Did you hear? Pope Benedict XVI is resigning as Bishop of Rome. Now comes the biggest steeple chase in 600 years (unless you count Adrian Roger’s retirement from Bellevue Baptist Church in Memphis). Soon Cardinals from north, south, east, and west (including St. Louis) will converge on Vatican City to see who will be chosen as the next Pope.

Let me state now publicly that I am removing my name from consideration. First, I already have a lot on my plate and second, I don’t think I would like the commute to Rome each morning. Sorry, no Pope Nicolas Beck I.

But allow me to make three recommendations for the next Pope: Hans Küng, Father Guido Sarducci, and U2’s Bono. (I think Sinead O’Connor removed herself from any consideration after that 1992 incident on SNL)

Here are the positives and negatives of each candidate:

Hans Küng is probably the leading theologian of the Roman Catholic Church and a best-selling author (see “On Being Christian”). Unfortunately, he wrote a book on the Papacy (see “Infallible? An Inquiry”). Of course, he’s in 80s and has been up for this position for a while, but, so far, long time no See.

Father Guido Sarducci is the gossip columnist and rock critic for the Vatican newspaper “L'Osservatore Romano” (or the “The Vatican Enquirer”). Unfortunately, he’s a smoker. So if we see green smoke (fumata verde) issuing from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, then we’ll know that it’s Sarducci.

Bono might be an edgy choice but I think he would dramatically improve the image of the RCC and provide a little flare to the ceremony. All papal proclamations (especially ex cathedra) could be given in a manner like that of the Zoo TV and PopMart Tours (PopeMart Tour, anyone?). Unfortunately, being Pope may not be what Bono is looking for.

Nevertheless, I’m sure that the College of Cardinals will make the correct decision. But let their work be pro bono.

“I Buried Radiohead”

I think Radiohead front man, Thom Yorke, and producer Nigel Godrich are incrementally killing off the other members of Radiohead and replacing them with computerized music. I think it began just after OK Computer was released and before Kid A. The drummer went first.

Evidence:

1) Radiohead’s music has become increasingly computertized

2) Radiohead’s music is becoming more and more like Thom York’s solo work

3) Thom York’s solo album is called, The Eraser. (i.e., he’s “erasing” the other members of the band.

4) He thinks computers are “okay” (i.e., the Radiohead album, OK Computer)

5) Songs pointing to this:

a. "How to Disappear Completely", Kid A
b. “Knives Out”, Amnesiac
c. "Go to Sleep. (Little Man being Erased)", Hail to the Thief
d. "We suck Young Blood. (Your Time is up)", Hail to the Thief
e. “Myxomatosis. (Judge, Jury & Executioner)", Hail to the Thief
f. "Bodysnatchers", In Rainbows
g. “Give Up the Ghost”, King of Limbs


More to come.

The Problem With The Baptist Faith and Message

What is the purpose of the BFM? Supposedly to confess what the SBC believes about particular Biblical subjects. However, now we are debating about the meaning of the BFM. Soon we will need a new confession to confess what the SBC believes about the BFM.

To know what does the BFM says about this issue (or any issue), it would be best to look at the writings of its authors when they composed it (i.e., E.Y. Mullins, H.H. Hobbs, etc.). Of course, they all don’t agree on what it means. But since the BFM2000 does not alter much of the BFM1963, then we should probably focus on Hobb’s intention. Of course, since Hobbs was a “student” of Mullins and Mullins composed the first BFM, perhaps we should focus first on Mullin’s intention in the BFM1924 and then temper that with the updated BFM1963 by Hobbs. Of course, Mullins is no longer respected in today’s SBC and both the composers of the 2000BFM and other SBC leaders blame Mullins for the “moderate” SBC. And Hobbs is also no longer appreciated because he is held responsible by many SBC leaders and 2000BFM composers for neo-orthodoxy in the SBC and the problems deemed inherent in the BFM1963 which made necessary the composition of the BFM2000.

However, since each confession was confirmed by majority vote of the SBC messengers to each of the respective “confessional conventions”, then perhaps we should look at how the messengers who voted on the BFM understood the issues when they voted their approval. Of course, then we have to decide which groups of messengers we should focus: SBC messengers in 1924, SBC messengers in 1963 or SBC messengers in 2000?

Whatever the focus of our inquiry on what the BFM says, we are still basing how we practice our faith on the unknown whims of a mostly unknown minority of people on one day in history.

Of course, since the current prologue states that “confessions are only guides in interpretation, having no authority over the conscience” then this whole issue is moot.

T is for Tofu

A short song in response to the decision to remove cookies from the Cookie Monster diet.

T is for Tofu
It's good enough for me.
T is for Tofu
It's all they'll let me eat.
T is for Tofu
I'll take a bite and see ...
Barfy-warfy-warfy its not for me.

God Does Not Call The Rain To Fall

I think we must now admit that God does not call the rain to fall. I do not think that we can tenably state that God causes the rain to fall; such is scientifically impossible.

See the hydrologic cycle

As we can see from the above diagram representing the scientific research of hundreds of years of inquiry, the cause of rain is completely removed from the activities of God.

Now we do have Scriptural references that appear to suggest that God makes rain:

Gen 2:5; 7:4; Ex 9:18; Lev 26:4; Deut 11:14; 1Sa 12:17; Job 5:10; Ps 68:9; Jer 5:24; Joe 2:23; Amo 4:7; Mat 5:45; Act 14:17

Therefore, I suggest that we now take these passages as figurative and not literal. Because, as science has so overwhelming proven, rain has absolutely nothing to do with God.

The Tale of Lady Godiva

... from the Deflores Historiarum, as chronicled by Roger of Wendover.

The following dialogue as recounted by Roger of Wendover, including:

John of Wallingford (abbot of St Albans Abbey)
Matthew of Westminster (Benedictine monk and English chronicler)
Adso of Melk (Benedictine novice)
Roger of Wendover (English chronicler)


Incipit comedia Deflores Historiarum

John of Wallingford: May 12th, 1006 .... Coventry, England. The people of that town were suffering grievously under the oppressive taxation of Leofric III, Earl of Mercia and lord of Coventry. His wife, the fair Lady Godiva appealed again and again to her husband, who repeatedly refused to remit the tolls. At last, weary of her entreaties, he said he would grant her request if she would ride naked through the streets of the town. Lady Godiva took him at his word, and after issuing a proclamation that all persons should keep within doors or shut their windows, she rode through nude, with only a clothed lady attendant leading the horse by the reins.

Matthew of Westminster: On that day, everyone in town obediently kept within their houses with their doors, windows and curtains shut. As Godiva and her attendant came down the center street towards the town square, they passed the tailor’s shop. Now they passed the tailor’s ... [cut to the Zapruder tapestry] ... the attendant leading the horse …

John of Wallingford: A moment later, something happened that changed the town of Coventry in a deep and profound way from that day forward.

Adso of Melk: What was it?

Matthew of Westminster: Tom the Tailor peeped .... and Lady Godiva screamed out, "Someone’s peeped!"

John of Wallingford: Then her attendant turned to her mistress and saw Tom the Tailor peeping through his recently procured Venetian shutters.

Matthew of Westminster: That instant, Tom the Tailor was struck blind by God.

Adso of Melk: What a tale!

Roger of Wendover: Unfortunately the immutable laws of Aristotelian physics contradict the whole premise of your tale - entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem. Allow me to recreate this story by scholasticism - via disputatio - if I may for young Adso as I've heard this tale recounted numerous times.

Father John, Brother Matthew, if you'll permit me. According to the tale you tell Lady Godiva is riding pass the tailor’s shop and then you say that she was peeped upon from the back right side. The attendant, leading the horse out front, quickly turns backs towards her mistress, and sees a peep coming from the tailor’s shop on the right, just behind them. The peep would then have had to have been seen by Lady Godiva facing frontward on the horse and also the lady attendant who having turned backward to face her mistress, sees the peeper, causing her to drop the horse’s reins. A peep seen from two opposing directions at once? That is one magic peeper.

John of Wallingford: That's the way the story is told.

Roger of Wendover: What happened to Lady Godiva’s head when she noticed the peep?

Matthew of Westminster: Well, uh, well, in embarrassment, her head went back and to the left.

Roger of Wendover: Again.

Matthew of Westminster: Back and to the left.

Roger of Wendover: Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

Adso of Melk: What are you saying?

Roger of Wendover: I am saying that the peep could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second peeper behind the bushes ... at the dirty stable. If the peeper was behind Lady Godiva, as you tell, it that would have caused her head to turn away forward in embarrassment.

Adso of Melk: So the peep could have only come from the front and to the right.

Roger of Wendover: But that is not what they would have you believe - quod erat demonstrandum.

John of Wallingford: I shall tarry no longer! Roger is a heretic! [begins to depart slowly]

Matthew of Westminster: Father John, Father John! [goes after]

Roger of Wendover: The sad ending is that, in this life, we may never know the real truth.

[Matthew of Westminster takes John of Wallingford by the arm and leads him out]


Translated by PC from the Codex Godivae (or The Godiva Code), 11th century manuscript in the Bodleian Library (Douce manuscript 207).

Mr. McBeth

Good news! Dr. McBeth's book is back!

And here's to you, “Baptist Heritage”
Students love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, “Baptist Heritage”
Dante holds a place for those who stray
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

We'd like to know a little bit about you for our class
We'd like to read to learn about ourselves
Look around you, all you see are apathetic eyes
Stroll around the library until you find the book

And here's to you, “Baptist Heritage”
Students love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, “Baptist Heritage”
Dante holds a place for those who stray
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes
Put it in on the back shelf with your mistakes
It's a little secret, just the SBC’s affair
Most of all, you've got to hide it from the “kids”

Hal-le-lu-jah, “Baptist Heritage”
Students love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)
God bless you please, “Baptist Heritage”
Dante holds a place for those who stray
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

Sitting at my desk on a Sunday afternoon
Reading on the SBC debate
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you've got to choose
Ev'ry way you look at it, you lose

Where have you gone, Leon McBeth
A student turns his lonely eyes to you (Woo, woo, woo)
What's that you say, “Baptist Heritage”
Leon McBeth has left and gone away
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

A Scene from Black Adder

One of the funniest scenes from the best episode of Black Adder's Second Season, one of my favourite shows.

BA: Right, good morning team. My name is Edmund Blackadder
and I'm the new minister in charge of religious genocide.
Now, if you play straight with me you'll find me a considerate
employer, but cross me and you'll find that under this playful
boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac.
Now my man you are ?
MRP: Eh, jailor Sir, my Lord.
BA: Good, well done and your name is ?
MRP: Ploppy Sir.
BA: Ploppy ?
MRP: Yes Sir.
BA: Ploppy the jailor ?
MRP: That's right Sir. Ploppy son of Ploppy.
BA: Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailor ?
MRP: Ah ach no Sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailor.
My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the slopper.
It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.
BA: Yes you are to be congratulated, my friend, we, we live in an age
where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are
without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met.
I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.
MRP: There's no many bosses would be that considerate sir.
BA: Thank you Ploppy, I do my best. Now then woman. if indeed you are a
woman, what is your function on death row ?
MRSP: I'm the last meal cook Sir. The prisoners may ask for what they fancy
for there last meal.....
BA: And you cook for them what they desire ?
MRSP: Oh yes Sir, provided they ask for sausages. Otherwise they tend to get
a tiny bit disappointed. Sausages is all I got.
BA: You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion mistress eh ?
MRSP: Ploppy Sir.
BA: Ah, so you are married to...
MRSP: No, many people think that but it's pure coincidence. We did laugh
when first we found out. "Good morning" mistress Ploppy he'd say,
and I'd say "good morning ..
MRP&
MRSP: Mr. Ploppy" (both laugh)
BA: The long winter evenings must just fly by. Ah ! and you must be the
boy who makes the tea ?
MRP: Ah no Sir, he's the executioner but he does sometime make the tea.
BA: Yes, and your name is ?
B: Baldrick my Lord, but I'll change it to Ploppy if it'll make things
easier.
BA: No thank you. I can cope with more than one name. What are you doing
here ?
B: Well, it's a hobby
MRSP: It would be more, more fun Sir if he were to change his name. Give the
place a more family atmosphere.
BA: A family atmpsphere ? This is meant to be a place of pain and misery
and sorrow.
MRSP: That's what I mean Sir.
MRP: Eh, Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist Sir.
BA: Now then, we're going to run a fast efficient operation and I intend to
do as little work as possible. My deputy Percy here will explain.
P: Good afternoon staff, my name is Lord Percy and if you play fair by me
you will find me a considerate employer, but if you cross me BY JOVE,
you ...
BA: Just tell'em the plan duckface.
P: My Lord, not in front of the staff.
BA: Get on with it.
P: Right Staff, as you know we are scheduled to execute Drake and
Ethingham on Monday, Lord Farrow on Wednesday and Buckingham and
Ponsonby on Friday. But in order to give us the middle of the week off,
Lord Blackadder has decided to move Farrow to Monday.
BA: Lets just say he's got time off for good behaviour.