Somewhere in a prison in Ephesus ...

[Somewhere in a prison in Ephesus]

 

Paul: “Epaphroditus, I’m responding to the wonderful gift you brought from the church in Philippi. Could you please check this for any typos?”

 

Epaphroditus: “Did you mean τύπος?”

 

Paul: “What?”

 

Epaphroditus: “Never mind. Certainly, I’ll look it over.”

 

[begins reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “So far so good.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Wait. ‘πολλῷ γὰρ μᾶλλον κρεῖσσον.’ That’s laying it on a bit thick, isn’t it?”

 

Paul: “You think I should tone it down a bit?”

 

Epaphroditus: (deliberating) “Uh … Nah. Go ahead and leave it like that.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “A lot about of suffering in here. You should mention my illness.”

 

Paul: “I do. Keep reading.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Ah”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “And joy. Good.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Hmmm. Wow. Yes, that poem you added beginning with ‘τοῦτο φρονεῖτε ἐν ὑμῖν ὃ καὶ ἐν Χριστῷ Ἰησοῦ’ – that’s quite brilliant right there.”

 

Paul: “I’m quite pleased with that part myself.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: ‘πᾶν γόνυ κάμψῃ … πᾶσα γλῶσσα ἐξομολογήσηται.’ Ah, you’re quoting that verse from Isaiah about God. And you’re applying it directly to Jesus. Just like you inserted Jesus into the Shema in your second letter to the church in Corinth. Yeah, that’s good stuff.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “‘μετὰ φόβου καὶ τρόμου τὴν ἑαυτῶν σωτηρίαν κατεργάζεσθε  θεὸς γάρ ἐστιν ὁ ἐνεργῶν ἐν ὑμῖν καὶ τὸ θέλειν καὶ τὸ ἐνεργεῖν ὑπὲρ τῆς εὐδοκίας.’ Oh, that’s gold there, Paul. That does sound a bit like James the Just though.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Oh, here’s the bit about me.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Why thank you, Paul!”

 

Paul: “Don’t mention it.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Though you could mention here that I almost died.”

 

Paul: “I mention it below. Keep reading.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Ah, yes. Still, mention it again. Tell them my life was in danger.”

 

Paul: “If you so wish.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Woa! ‘βλέπετε τοὺς κύνας βλέπετε τοὺς κακοὺς ἐργάτας βλέπετε τὴν κατατομήν.’ That’s a bit rough, don’t you think?”

 

Paul: “I’m not changing it.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “I didn’t know you were from the tribe of Benjamin. Is it true you’re all left-handed?”

 

Paul: “Actually, I was born left-handed but my rabbi forced me to write with my other hand. That’s why my handwriting is so poor.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Yes …”

 

Paul: “And it doesn’t help that my eyesight is bad.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Such large lettering. You really should just dictate this to Tertius. Just sign your name at the end.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Woa! Woa, woa!! Paul! You can’t say σκύβαλα.”

 

Paul: “Well, why not?”

 

Epaphroditus: “Because … because this is supposed to be read out loud in church. I’m the one who’s going to have to read this to them. You’re going to shock the old ladies …”

 

Paul: “The shock value is the point.”

 

Epaphroditus: “… the youth on the back row will be snickering …”

 

Paul: “I was inspired to write that.”

 

Epaphroditus: “I really urge you to consider changing it.”

 

Paul: “I’m not changing it.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Paul …”

 

Paul: “I’m going to assert my apostleship here.”

 

Epaphroditus: “I’m an apostle, too!”

 

Paul: “I’ve seen the risen Christ.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Fine!”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Hmm. A lot more in here about suffering and humbleness. That’s all good.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “And the resurrection. Good.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Hmm. You’re handwriting really is bad, isn’t it? Is that ‘τό αυτό φρονείν’ or ‘τῷ αὐτῷ στοιχεῖν’ or …?”

 

Paul: “τῷ αὐτῷ στοιχεῖν.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Ah, yes.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “Oh, wait. You’re connecting one’s present suffering and humbleness with that of Christ’s and then his resurrection and then, therefore, our eventual resurrection and the glory of a race well run … We’re supposed to imitate you because you’re imitating Christ … I gotcha. I see what you’re doing here.”

 

[continues reading]

 

Epaphroditus: “‘ὥστε ἀδελφοί μου ἀγαπητοὶ καὶ ἐπιπόθητοι χαρὰ καὶ στέφανός μου.’ That’s quite lovely, Paul. Quite sweet.”

 

Paul: “It comes from the heart.”

 

Epaphroditus: “Well, this all looks pretty good – apart from the obvious σκύβαλα – so make whatever corrections you wish. [Calling to the guards] Alright, let me out! [To Paul] I’ll be back tomorrow.”

 

Paul: “The grace of the Lord Jesus, the Messiah, be with your spirit.”

 

Somewhere at a Bible Translation Society …

TEXTUAL CRITIC #1: “So how is your part of the translation going? What are you working on today?”

 

TC #2: “Well you may ask. You remember that poetic passage in the Old Testament that talks about creation itself bringing glory to God and how the very trees applaud the Lord?”

 

TC #1: “Of course.”

 

TC #2: “Well, I was reading the Masoretic text (circa 700s CE) and the Hebrew reads, ‘the trees clap hams for the Lord.’”

 

TC #1: (Pause) “’The trees clap hams?’”

 

TC #2: “’The trees clap hams.’”

 

TC #1: “Let me see that.” (Reads) “’The trees clap hams.’ Yep.”

 

TC #2: “Yep.”

 

TC #1: “Seems rather odd, doesn’t it?”

 

TC #2: “Well, it’s a poetic metaphor; it’s not to be taken literally.”

 

TC #1: “Granted, but the metaphor must maintain consistent internal sense in order to properly convey the appropriate theological concept. The smacking together of pork products is not generally considered a traditional form of showing praise – particularly Jewish praise.”

 

TC #2: “Ah. I see your point. Still, who are we to argue with unanimous attestation?”

 

TC #1: “Oh? Why, is the verse quoted or paraphrased anywhere in the New Testament?”

 

TC #2: “Negative.”

 

TC #1: “What about Philo, Josephus, the Talmud, the Targums, the Rabbinic traditions?”

 

TC #2: “Ah ha! They all say ‘clap hams.’ Though the strained explanations of its meaning amongst the rabbis vary wildly. Indeed, Maimonides, employing apophatic theology, thought ‘ham’ was just a negative attribution for ‘poultry.’”

 

TC #1: “What about the early church fathers? The Vulgate?”

 

TC #2: “Again, all unanimous in the attestation of ‘hams.’ And, just like the rabbinic literature, the allegorical interpretations of the Alexandrian school for ‘ham’ are legion. Naturally, Origen takes it to the extreme and quotes Jesus as saying, ‘If thy ham offends thee, cut it off.’”

 

TC #1: “Hmm. Even so, I still go back to the idea that the slapping of meat is not a customary form of demonstrating appreciation – at least amongst the Israelites.”

 

TC #2: “Perhaps it’s a haporx legomenon.”

 

TC #1: “Perhaps. Or perhaps … You know, the Hebrew ‘m’ and the Hebrew ‘n’ are quite similar letters. And the Hebrew word for ‘ham’ is quite close to the Hebrew word for ‘hand’. And seeing how it’s usually been more common to show approval by clapping hands rather than slamming together bits of swine …”

 

TC #2: “I think I see where you’re going with this.”

 

TC #1: “… it’s quite possible some ancient scribe erred in his transmission of a copy of the original text and wrote ‘hams’ where he should have written ‘hands.’”

 

TC #2: “Yes, I do see your argument.” (Pause) “Still, with such unanimous multiple attestations to ‘ham’ in near contemporaneous sources …”

 

TC # 3: (Approaching) “I just got back from looking at the Septuagint (circa 200 BCE). It reads ‘clap hams.’”

 

TC #1: “What?”

 

TC #2: “There you have it.”

 

TC #1: “Really? In the Greek?”

 

TC #4: (Approaching) “Not so fast! I just got back from the neighboring Jewish seminary …”

 

TC #2: “Good.”

 

TC #4: “… and I read their copy of the Samaritan Pentateuch (circa 200 BCE) …”

 

TC #1: “Good, yes.”

 

TC #4: “… and it reads ‘clap hands.’”

 

TC #2: “Huh.”

 

TC #1: “Huh.”

 

ALL: “Hmm.”

 

TC #2: “Bit of a textual stalemate, isn’t it?”

 

TC #5: (running up breathlessly) “Right. I just got through reading the Dead Sea Scrolls (circa 400 BCE) …”

 

TC #1: “Good.”

 

TC #2: “What, all of them?”

 

TC #5: “… and according to 4Q Pentateuch, 3Q Pentatuech Pesher, 6Q Pseudo-Enoch, and 4Q Aramaic War Pigs Scroll, they are unanimous: ‘The trees clap hands.’”

 

TC #1: “And there you have it.”

 

TC #2: “It’s conclusive.”

 

TC #1: “Hands.”

 

TC #3: “No doubt.”

 

TC #2: “No question. Hands down.”

 

TC #1: “Okay, now that we have definitely established that the Holy Spirit inspired the ancient prophet to write ‘claps hands’, let me remind you that we are producing this translation for a non-charismatic denomination that believes clapping hands to music in a worship service is worldly behavior. Therefore, I recommend we translate this verse as ‘The trees clap hens’ but add a footnote that reads ‘Many manuscripts read “hands.”’ A negative attribution. All in favor?”

 

ALL: (Hands up) “Aye!”

 

TC #1: “Consensus reached. Unanimous attestation.”

Acts of God

"I see that your home insurance policy covers Acts of God. However, we’ve determined that this specific hurricane was an act of Ba`al. Unfortunately, with your current policy, you’re only covered for Yahweh. So unless you are willing to invoke the Jeroboam Clause of your policy - see section 12, lines 28-30 of 1 Kings – and equate Yahweh with the Ba'al cult, then I’m afraid we’ll be unable to help you. Granted, while pantheonic religions like Ba`al worship offer wider coverage over weather-related claims like lightening, wind, rain, and fertility, the premium is first fruits of the harvest and the deductible is a human sacrifice. So not much different from standard ACA healthcare coverage. Given your situation, though, I would advise you to remain with the Yahweh plan. It has a great life insurance policy, covering all claims. And your public adjustor has already negotiated a settlement on your behalf."

Hunting the Urban Hipster

(Whispering, intoned sotto voce) Today we are at Wegman’s on the hunt for the lone Eastern Pennsylvanian Hipster or Coolus obscurus.

Our guide is big game hunter, Mookie Robinson. Mookie is a tough, white, fearless hunter who has chosen to live in the violent, unrelenting world of millennial, urban life, where only the ironic survive.

We are currently established in the organic food isle of the Wegman’s grocery store. It’s quiet. We first see a beatnik pass.

Suddenly, Mookie crouches to examine some hipster spoor. Chuck Taylor All-Star tracks and a Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle cap. The hipster is close.

Mookie puts out a box of organic gluten-free grains with the label “sustainability” printed on it to lure the hipster out into the open.

We hide behind crates of imported cheeses and wait.

Suddenly, Mookie spots the hipster we’re after.

And there it is! A truly magnificent specimen. The hipster looks to be about six feet tall, with a plaid shirt, bowtie, tight jeans, Sylvia Plath cardigan, and Buddy Holly glasses. The beard weighs two pounds and is easily capable of sopping up a bowl of lintel soup. From the looks of the hipster, it’s probably into knitting, veganism, urban beekeeping, and bookbinding classes. The real embodiment of postmodernism as a spent force, revealing what happens when pastiche and irony exhaust themselves as aesthetics.

The hipster slowly approaches the box of organic food. Two more strides and the hipster could reach out and touch someone with its beard.

Mookie raises his rifle. For the past few months, he’s been rehearsing this moment in his bedroom closet in Brooklyn, aiming, reloading, aiming again. He shoots. The rifle’s thunder is somehow insigni­ficant. The shot catches the hipster in the appropriate place, in the iPod.

But a hipster iPod is a big piece of equipment—it can include thousands of songs from obscure 80s and 90s bands that you’ve probably never heard of, all on continuous shuffle.

Mookie’s bullet did not apparently disrupt the iPod enough to take down the hipster in a single shot. It shakes its head, as if to wag away the pain of distorted indie music. There is a second shot that strikes it in the earbuds. It turns to flee, probably towards its fixed gear bicycle, but its right foreleg has buckled. It drops its iPod. It strives to stand. It steps on the iPod. The earbuds pull it down. Right in the middle of Bob Marley’s “Get Up, Stand Up”. The hipster falls without realizing the irony. It’s a success. The hipster is dead. But Mookie must make sure. He fires a final shot. There is nothing more dangerous than a wounded hipster.

But the hunt is not over. With well-practiced skill Mookie skins the hipster. The beard of a full grown male hipster can in fact fetch anything up to $4 on the open market.

The long day is over and it’s back to base camp for a night’s rest.

The Next Pope? An Inquiry

Did you hear? Pope Benedict XVI is resigning as Bishop of Rome. Now comes the biggest steeple chase in 600 years (unless you count Adrian Roger’s retirement from Bellevue Baptist Church in Memphis). Soon Cardinals from north, south, east, and west (including St. Louis) will converge on Vatican City to see who will be chosen as the next Pope.

Let me state now publicly that I am removing my name from consideration. First, I already have a lot on my plate and second, I don’t think I would like the commute to Rome each morning. Sorry, no Pope Nicolas Beck I.

But allow me to make three recommendations for the next Pope: Hans Küng, Father Guido Sarducci, and U2’s Bono. (I think Sinead O’Connor removed herself from any consideration after that 1992 incident on SNL)

Here are the positives and negatives of each candidate:

Hans Küng is probably the leading theologian of the Roman Catholic Church and a best-selling author (see “On Being Christian”). Unfortunately, he wrote a book on the Papacy (see “Infallible? An Inquiry”). Of course, he’s in 80s and has been up for this position for a while, but, so far, long time no See.

Father Guido Sarducci is the gossip columnist and rock critic for the Vatican newspaper “L'Osservatore Romano” (or the “The Vatican Enquirer”). Unfortunately, he’s a smoker. So if we see green smoke (fumata verde) issuing from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, then we’ll know that it’s Sarducci.

Bono might be an edgy choice but I think he would dramatically improve the image of the RCC and provide a little flare to the ceremony. All papal proclamations (especially ex cathedra) could be given in a manner like that of the Zoo TV and PopMart Tours (PopeMart Tour, anyone?). Unfortunately, being Pope may not be what Bono is looking for.

Nevertheless, I’m sure that the College of Cardinals will make the correct decision. But let their work be pro bono.

“I Buried Radiohead”

I think Radiohead front man, Thom Yorke, and producer Nigel Godrich are incrementally killing off the other members of Radiohead and replacing them with computerized music. I think it began just after OK Computer was released and before Kid A. The drummer went first.

Evidence:

1) Radiohead’s music has become increasingly computertized

2) Radiohead’s music is becoming more and more like Thom York’s solo work

3) Thom York’s solo album is called, The Eraser. (i.e., he’s “erasing” the other members of the band.

4) He thinks computers are “okay” (i.e., the Radiohead album, OK Computer)

5) Songs pointing to this:

a. "How to Disappear Completely", Kid A
b. “Knives Out”, Amnesiac
c. "Go to Sleep. (Little Man being Erased)", Hail to the Thief
d. "We suck Young Blood. (Your Time is up)", Hail to the Thief
e. “Myxomatosis. (Judge, Jury & Executioner)", Hail to the Thief
f. "Bodysnatchers", In Rainbows
g. “Give Up the Ghost”, King of Limbs


More to come.

A Pleasure to Burn

I saw this at a gas station on Friday near the Marine Base.

I question whether it's good form to have such a sign at this in a military town when the country is at war in three Arab/Muslim countries.

Here's a Joke for All My Roman Catholic Friends ...

Q: Why did the Catholic cross himself?

A: To get to the "other side"

Jesus' Favourite Books and Music

Do you know what Jesus’ favorite books of the Bible were? If we base our assumptions on the Gospel accounts, Jesus frequently quoted Deuteronomy, Isaiah, Daniel and Psalms - particularly the Psalms!

He and the disciples sang a few psalms before leaving the Last Supper (Matt 26:30; Mark 14:26) to go to the Gethsemane gardens. Even when he was receiving the standard Roman welcome on Golgotha, he was thinking of a psalm (Matt 27:46; Matt 15:34; cf. Psalm 22:1).

Yes, Jesus liked music. Probably due to the influence of Mary - she wrote psalms!Luke 1:46-55. She was just forbidden to explain them!

A Joke

Question: What did the Scribes in Luke 20:41-44 say to each other after Jesus taught on Psalm 110?

Answer: “He’s so vain he probably thinks that psalm is about him!”

Desperately Seeking Insensitive Servant

"Seeking a full-time, bi-vocational pastor for youth, worship, visitation, lawn care, and can preach every other Sunday. Preferably college-aged or seminary-aged who hasn't had any experience negotiating with a deacon board. Preferably single or, if married, not planning to have any children. The deacon chairman is a doctor and can perform the medical procedure ("snip, snip"). He has lots of such experience working with church staffs.

Direct all questions and resumes to:

Attn: Rev. Geddy Lee Gibb
2nd Baptist Church
2 Origen High Street, Enoch, Connectitcutt, 90125


‘Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name ...’ (Isaiah 56:5)”




[I applaud the person who can catch the "90125" joke.]

Oxford, Inspector Lewis, and Crime

I have been enjoying watching the first three series of Inspector Lewis on PBS.

British mysteries are almost always good, as is this one, and, filmed in Oxford, I enjoy seeing places I saw while I was there.

However, I am not sure if I would want to live there for any extended period of time.

What I've gathered from watching the show is that the town of Oxford has more murders than Detroit and half the professors there are the murders. The other half engage in fraud and sexual deviancy.

Which is probably why the university produces so many national leaders and international terrorists.

I'm not going to tell you which belong to the murderers and which belong to the fradulent and which belong sexually devious.

BTW - if you are ever looking for a pub to enjoy ... be wary of the ones that have a rainbow flag out front.

The Specialist

If we can say that Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone are each the worst actor and actress of their generation (and I think we can), then the film The Specialist really was something special.

The Problem With The Baptist Faith and Message

What is the purpose of the BFM? Supposedly to confess what the SBC believes about particular Biblical subjects. However, now we are debating about the meaning of the BFM. Soon we will need a new confession to confess what the SBC believes about the BFM.

To know what does the BFM says about this issue (or any issue), it would be best to look at the writings of its authors when they composed it (i.e., E.Y. Mullins, H.H. Hobbs, etc.). Of course, they all don’t agree on what it means. But since the BFM2000 does not alter much of the BFM1963, then we should probably focus on Hobb’s intention. Of course, since Hobbs was a “student” of Mullins and Mullins composed the first BFM, perhaps we should focus first on Mullin’s intention in the BFM1924 and then temper that with the updated BFM1963 by Hobbs. Of course, Mullins is no longer respected in today’s SBC and both the composers of the 2000BFM and other SBC leaders blame Mullins for the “moderate” SBC. And Hobbs is also no longer appreciated because he is held responsible by many SBC leaders and 2000BFM composers for neo-orthodoxy in the SBC and the problems deemed inherent in the BFM1963 which made necessary the composition of the BFM2000.

However, since each confession was confirmed by majority vote of the SBC messengers to each of the respective “confessional conventions”, then perhaps we should look at how the messengers who voted on the BFM understood the issues when they voted their approval. Of course, then we have to decide which groups of messengers we should focus: SBC messengers in 1924, SBC messengers in 1963 or SBC messengers in 2000?

Whatever the focus of our inquiry on what the BFM says, we are still basing how we practice our faith on the unknown whims of a mostly unknown minority of people on one day in history.

Of course, since the current prologue states that “confessions are only guides in interpretation, having no authority over the conscience” then this whole issue is moot.