the Conservative Re-Resurgence (2006)

One of the architects of the Conservative Re-Resurgence (2006) has offered me a professorship at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary if I proimise not to join their side. She said that she would have offered me the position of Dean of the School of Theology but since I am 28 I am far too old for that position. I suggested that they form a Paul Tillich Chair of Theology and place me in the position under unanimous vote by the trustees. She said that once they find trustees who will vote that way then I am in. I asked who the trustees would prefer to be President of the SBTS. She said that the other architect who intends on becoming Southern Baptist Convention President (who we shall refer to him as Dr. Q) will appoint a whole new set of trustees led by a newly appointed chairman (who we shall refer to as Dr. R). They will choose the right man for the job and after Dr. Q is chosen as President of SBTS, then Dr. R (who is only 17) will be chosen as Dean of the School of Theology. Naturally, Dr. R is young enough to be Dean and also has the benefit of not being indoctrinated by secular colleges.

Dr. R was born just outside of Wedlock, Indiana. He majored in girls at school and minored in boys. Having received his doctorate in creationism from Southern Presbyterian Institute of Theology (a four year Christian academy attached to Bob Jones Day Care School in Kissoff, Florida), Dr. R wrote his dessertation on the subject of the 600,000 uses of the letter “B” in the King James Bible. He is soon to complete a book on the 450,000 uses of the letter “S” in the King James Bible. He will soon join the ranks of many a distinguished scholar who has studied “BS” at a Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.

Dr. Q is a well known scoundrel of enhanced fund raising abilities. He recently helped lift the endowments at Vasser School for girls in Footmouth, Maine, but, having offered to cop a plea, Vasser decided to settle the matter out of court. Recently Dr. Q has been noted in the latest issues of Who’s Who, What’s What and How’s That? with much acclaim and suspicion. He was also called by Time Magazine as one of the Top Ten Up and Coming Cult Leaders of America.

Having started out as a mild game hunter at the local arcade, Dr. Q went to Duke Affinity and studied literature and cocktail waitresses with a major in love and a minor in penicillin shots. Having graduated magma come lately, Dr. Q attended the doctoral program at Wipeout College, in Oxford England as a Rouges Scholar and gold-digger. Having left out the “l” in “gold-digger” on a career assessment form, Dr .Q taught on “god” at Waterloo school for Ani Difranco Girls and Mommas’ Boys. Three lawsuits later found Dr. Q extradited back to the U.S. to face crimes against monogamy and as a job at Union Theological Seminary as a serial therapist.

Today, Dr. Q has his sights set on the seat in front of him. But once he leaves the plane, his sights will be set upon reclaiming his rightful place as head of the SBC which he learned of from a Christian Index newspaper he was given in a holding cell in Atlanta, Ocean.

He hopes to groom the SBC into the shape of a clam and perhaps groom a few poodles that might wind up on his door in the District of Columbia State Sanitarium for the Criminally Same.

Note: The architect has told me that he is not a she (as stated above) but that I simply had a bad email connection. He urged me to use dial-up next time to avoid further confusion. I told her I would.