On The New NEBTS Teaching Policy

To the NEBTS Family and the Korean Students as well:

Here at Northeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in the thriving metropolis of Shelby, NC, we take great pains and liberties to follow the Word of God and the Bible in how we lead our and other people’s lives. To this effect we have been advancing our Kingdom Challenge program to bring the seminary and the surrounding properties more in line with the reactions of the convention and their understanding of the Bible ... which is the correct understanding of the Bible ... this year. Since the Biblical revelation plainly states that the proper gender for leading, teaching, pastoring, and deaconing is the male gender, the seminary, in accordance with the will of its nine trustees, has limited the role of teaching doctrine to men ... to men. Therefore, all NEBTS professors of the feminine gland who are currently teaching doctrinal classes such as theology, biblical studies, hermeneutics, history, spiritual formations, ethics, missiology and German will be asked to resign effective at noon tomorrow or face a heresy hearing at 1pm tomorrow.

For those women professors (or rather that woman professor) who are currently teaching theology and who are currently tenured, special arrangements will be made.

Though many of the three hundred year old songs that we sing in our churches and at chapel contain many doctrinal statements (such a grace, love, and God), our convention leadership hasn’t yet convinced the laity that leading worship is a type of teaching. Since we cannot convince the laity that female music ministers aren't sufficiently unbiblical enough, women will still be graciously allowed to teach men music.

Therefore, from this point on, all tenured women professors teaching theology (that means you, Dr. Mindy McConnell) will have to sing their lessons out to the male students of their class in contralto, mezzo-soprano or soprano. Male students will have to respond in bass, bass-baritone, baritone, tenor or countertenor. No falsetto, because the Bible speaks against homosexuality. And, of course, no recitatives.

Musical accompaniment must be provided by either a piano or organ (old ladies for piano and organ players are preferred); guitars, drums, and tambourines are prohibited. The music must be traditional and not contemporary, or a traditional song set to contemporary music (traditional songs are those written before 1945; comtemporary songs are those written after 1965. All songs written in between are moderate and aren't popular anyway). Male-female duets are prohibited in accordance with Scripture. Those students breaking this commandment will be stoned before chapel the following day. Dancers will get stoned after chapel. Students who are stoned will not be given food to satiate the munchies ... but professor of Christian Ethics Dr. Bugg Dooby will be there to mess with your heads.

Any questions or comments regarding the new policy should be addressed to Dr. Al Cuckold, chairman of the Ethical Conduct Committee. Students wishing to appeal an answer from the Ethical Conduct Committee may do so by asking the Executive Vice President and Provost, Dr. Al Cuckold.


Dr. Al Cuckold
Seminary Presdent