Acts of God

"I see that your home insurance policy covers Acts of God. However, we’ve determined that this specific hurricane was an act of Ba`al. Unfortunately, with your current policy, you’re only covered for Yahweh. So unless you are willing to invoke the Jeroboam Clause of your policy - see section 12, lines 28-30 of 1 Kings – and equate Yahweh with the Ba'al cult, then I’m afraid we’ll be unable to help you. Granted, while pantheonic religions like Ba`al worship offer wider coverage over weather-related claims like lightening, wind, rain, and fertility, the premium is first fruits of the harvest and the deductible is a human sacrifice. So not much different from standard ACA healthcare coverage. Given your situation, though, I would advise you to remain with the Yahweh plan. It has a great life insurance policy, covering all claims. And your public adjustor has already negotiated a settlement on your behalf."