Left Las Vegas

Well, I went to Vegas this weekend. … Remember those two lispy, limp-wristed movie critics played by Damon Wayans and David Alan Grier on In Living Color? Well, their catch-phrase seems to accurately sum up my feelings about Las Vegas: “Hated it.”

I had planned to write a “gonzo” journalistic piece about my experiences in Vegas but the town was so vapid that I’d rather not waste my energy and talents. Hunter S. Thompson may find inspiration but Circenses couldn’t find interest. I am probably the only person in America who finds Las Vegas boring. Absolutely, mind-blowingly, baby-smackingly, boring! So boring, in fact, that I can’t even use my displeasure of Vegas to write a satirical piece. Five points.

First, I did not gamble and never would. Even so, even if I was inclined to gamble, I am such a non-conformist that I would never want to demean myself by associating my actions with the actions of others. I walked through many casinos and found it ludicrous. Old people and trashy middle-agers wasting hours in front of machines that rob them of their money and time. Sort of like those who play video games and blog too much. You know who you are. Anyway, the casino halls are full of people without souls. “No souls,” I said to my wife. Abject humanity living in a limbo or worse, living in their own hell. Everyone is in hell and no one knows it.

Second, the food is terrible. No matter where I went and no matter how much I paid I found the food to be horrible. I came to the conclusion that eating is of secondary importance in Las Vegas. No one really thinks about it. They are more concerned about gambling, fornicating, and drinking, in that order. It’s almost like they finally come to the conclusion after some time of debauchery that, “Oh, yeah. I do need to eat,” and anything will do. And those who provide the food are also the ones who provide the debauchery of gambling, fornicating and drinking. They realize, “Oh, yeah, we need to provide food for people to continue gambling, fornicating and drinking,” and anything will do. I was very disappointed with the cuisine.

Third, everything is an illusion. There is nothing of substance there. Small wonder that magicians thrive there. The hotels are all lights while the construction is shoddy. Even when you find a wonderfully designed hotel like the Bellagio or the Venetian, the supposed marble and stone and wood are all facades of painted plaster and plastic. It is a good illusion but an illusion none the less. Las Vegas is almost like an adult version of Disney World. If you can’t go around the world then come to Vegas where you can visit Venice, Paris, Egypt, Rome, and New York all within blocks of one another. Quite tacky. (I actually took a gondola ride inside a hotel made to resemble Venice!) But the illusions don’t stop there. Everywhere you go you see comedians impersonating famous celebrities: you have comedians becoming famous for impersonating people more famous than themselves! Furthermore, there are countless acts where people impersonate certain individuals for a living from Elvis to Joan Rivers. Ludicrous! If anything, this lack of substance was more distasteful than anything to me. A real affront to my sensibilities.

Fourth, pornea. Adult bookstores, topless dancers, g-strings, slots and sluts, bikini bull-riding and poor Mexicans passing out pornography. Nuff said.

Finally, I could not get comfortable in order to enjoy myself. Now I am in seminary and not allowed to imbibe alcohol, but even if I could drink in Vegas (which I didn’t) I wouldn’t. The places to drink are so ghastly that I could not enjoy a Guinness or a Martini in such a place. And the people only appear to drink to get drunk and that’s quite revolting. Alcohol is a gift from God and we should not abuse such a gift by over-indulging. Yes, I have to be comfortable to enjoy the pleasures of life. I saw nothing there that resembled the Eagle and the Child.

So was there anything good about this weekend? Yes. Eight points.

1. Free parking. I never had to pay to park and there were plenty of places to park. The hotels do not charge for parking because they know they will get your money other ways. They just want you in the hotels and will suffer allowing you to park for free in order to just get you in.
2. Hoover Dam. The dam is only half an hour from Vegas and worth the trip. I can now say that I have been to Hoover Dam.
3. The Grand Canyon. I flew over the Grand Canyon and enjoyed the view. That natural wonder ain’t no result of 40 days of flooding. Let’s not cheapen God’s natural work by making it as much of an illusion as Vegas is.
4. The West. I have now gone farther west than I have ever gone and can add two more states to my list of ventures.
5. The Book of Daniel. I brought a few books to read while I was in Vegas. One was an Anchor Bible Commentary on the Book of Daniel. This was one of the best commentaries that I have ever read. I highly recommend it. My knowledge of the book of Daniel and the Bible in general has grown considerably. I’ll write more on this in due time.
6. A good deed. My wife was given three bucks by some friends of her mother’s with which to gamble. Well, when we both made up our mind that we were not going to deposit any funds into the game I made up my mind to give the money to charity. So the first time I saw a Salvation Army worker outside a Walmart, I gave him the money. Take that Vegas!
7. Starbucks in the hotel. Nuff said.
8. The book. I am now able to appreciate the Thompson book a lot more now that I have seen the "real" thing. I now know what Thompson was talking about when he spoke about "Fear and Loathing"; it's all there. The people, the hotels, the dreaded Circus Circus. Yes, I visited the Circus Circus and saw the carousel bar where "the fear" got to Dr. Gonzo. I now understand.
9. And this is the kicker: In Vegas, we won. We did not gamble at all, but we left with more money than we started with and more money than we put into the system. It has been said, very accurately, that the house always wins. Well, this time the house did not win. I am not going to tell you how all this occurred, but let me just say that this time we won and won big and made out with flippin’ great wads of cash.

So I really suppose that this was a good experience from several stand points, but still I hope I never go back to Vegas.