"Thinking Eternally, Acting Locally." - Neal August
The Top Ten
Brainwashed - George Harrison
Demon Days - Gorillaz
Fear of Music - Talking Heads
Five Leaves Left - Nick Drake
A Ghost is Born - Wilco
The Good, the Bad, and the Queen
I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got - Sinéad O'Connor
Low - David Bowie
Their Satanic Majesties Request - The Rolling Stones
Transformer - Lou Reed
The Other 40
Absolutely Free – Frank Zappa
Absolution - Muse
Acquiring the Taste – Gentle Giant
The Basement Tapes - Bob Dylan and the Band
Billion Dollar Babies - Alice Cooper
The Black and White Album – The Hives
Blur - Blur
Bringing It All Back Home – Bob Dylan
Chávez Ravine – Ry Cooder
Dear Catastrophe Waitress - Belle and Sebastian
Desire – Bob Dylan
Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! – Nick Cave
Dust - Screaming Trees
Everything That Happens Will Happen Today - Brian Eno and David Byrne
Gasoline Alley - Rod Stewart
Gaucho - Steely Dan
Good God’s Urge – Poro for Pyros
The Grand Wazoo - Frank Zappa
Greatest Hits - Blondie
Greatest Hits – Duran Duran
H.A.A.R.P. Lively from Wembley - Muse
Hampton Comes Alive - Phish
In the Court of the Crimson King - King Crimson
It Is Time For a Love Revolution – Lenny Kravitz
Journey to the Center of the Earth - Rick Wakeman
Live at Madison Square Garden New Year’s Eve 1995 - Phish
Live Frogs Set 2 - Les Claypool
Loaded - The Velvet Underground
Music from Big Pink - The Band
Mystery White Boy, Live ’95-’96 – Jeff Buckley
A Night at the Opera - Queen
Pink Flag - Wire
Raw Power - The Stooges
Reload - Metallica
Remain in Light - Talking Heads
Rust Never Sleeps - Neil Young
Seal (1994) - Seal
Speaking in Tongues – Talking Heads
Time on Earth - Crowded House
Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, December 04, 2009
THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE
When we speak of “worst movies ever made” we usually refer to three types of films:
1) A film for which the production and marketing costs greatly exceeded the revenue retained by the movie studio, i.e., it didn’t make squash at the box office.
2) A big-billed film with all the necessary ingredients that make a great film (director, cast, producers, studio, special FX, screenplay, sweeping music score, big budget, and marketing) except one: entertainment.
3) A film that is so ghastly ... (shudder), (cringe), and (“I’d walk out of that movie on an airplane!”)
This is the general groupings that I’ve maintained for my collection. And, of course, some of these films fulfill two or more of the three types. Granted not everyone will agree with all of my choices, but most will agree with most of my choices.
Some of these films I only saw by watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 abbreviated MST3K. These films will be noted by the following: [MST3K]
However, there are a few films on this list which I have seen and which are generally considered to be bad for one reason or other, but which I believe are really great. Naturally, I shall point these out.
1941 – Steven Spielberg’s contribution to the end of New Hollywood.
3000 Miles to Graceland – All I say is that it stars Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell, thus the title speaks for itself. ... Soundtrack by Paul Simon.
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen – This is a fabulous film beset with disasters from day one. It nearly ruined Terry Gilliam’s film career and became the second in a long line of unfortunate film troubles. But The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus comes out Christmas Day!!!
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – I only saw one scene. Woof.
The Adventures of Pluto Nash – Texas Ranger
The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert – I have the lunch box!
An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn – Irony upon irony upon irony ...
Alexander – "Beware of windfallen apples and of men whose eyebrows meet".
All the King's Men – Michael Medved: a "pointless, pretentious, plodding period-piece" of ...
Alone in the Dark – A Video Game with Christian Slater.
Antichrist – Now William Dafoe has played Christ and Anti-Christ.
Are You Being Served?: The Movie – I love the TV show too much to ever watch the film.
Armageddon – Why did Bruce Willis have to die? Why is it never Ben Affleck?
Around the World in 80 Days (2004) – The last step in Arnold's diabolical plan to become governor of Calli-furn-ya
The Avengers – Montezuma’s Avenge
Baby Geniuses – Well, at least no one wanted to make a sequel.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever – With a name like that, how could they have failed?
B*A*P*S – I knew when I watch The Flintstone Movie and saw Halle Berry play a character named “Sharon Stone” that no good was to come from this “actress”. This film confirmed it.
Barb Wire – It’s not just Pamela Anderson in an action movie ... it’s a remake of Casablanca. I swear!
Basic Instinct – The film that made Sharon Stone ... whatever.
Basic Instinct 2 – Like I’d ever want to watch this.
Batman and Robin – I probably must thank this film for ending my desire to watch any film I knew wasn’t good. Every line was a bad pun or cliché. How is it that these actors can read a script and not realize that the film is going to be absolutely gawdawful?
Battlefield Earth - “If John Travolta can fly an airplane, how hard can it be?” – Barry B. Benson, Bee Movie
The Blue Bird (1976) – Even Shirley Temple’s version of 1940 wasn’t as bad as this.
The Blue Lagoon – Bad movie, appropriate title.
Blue Velvet – I saw this one in college. Cult classic or not, this was bad.
Boat Trip - [Unspeakable]
Body of Evidence – William Dafoe AND Madonna
The Bonfire of the Vanities - Sorry, but Tom Wolfe is not a great or even a good writer.
Boom! – One of several films that feature Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton yelling at each other.
Bride Wars – I saw this one just recently. They worked really hard to make this premise plausible.
The Brown Bunny - [Unspeakable]
Buffy the Vampire Slayer – The title was so bad, I just had to see it.
Caddyshack II - If Caddyshack is the greatest movie about golf, then Caddyshack II is the worst movie about golf. ... Was it about golf?
Cain and Mabel – A film with (and for) William Randolph Hearst’s mistress, Marion Davies. The tragedy of the matter is that Davis was a brilliant comedianne (see Show People, an extremely funny movie) but Hearst wanted her to be a dramatic actress.
Caligula - John Gielgud, Peter O'Toole, Malcolm McDowell, and Helen Mirren. Oops!
Caligula II – You’ll never know.
The Cannonball Run I-II – Essentially, the first film was a remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. The sequel dares to venture further down the spiral.
Can’t Stop the Music – Try.
Car 54, Where Are You? – Killed re-runs of that TV Show for a generation.
Casino Royale (1967) – This film is an utter disaster in every sense of the word. A complete mess of actors, directors, producers, scripts, lawsuits, editing ... characters come and go, the actors playing them come and go, plots stop and start, characters' accents and mannerisms stop and start, there are the most glaring plot holes and plot jumps that you will ever see. This is not so much of a train wreck but a herd of 100 car trains falling off the Empire State building like lemmings ... and I love every minute of it! I really love this movie. It works in ways that it couldn’t possibly ever really work. I highly recommend reading up on what occurred with this film.
The Cat in the Hat – Tremendously bad.
Cat Woman – It has Halle Berry (who previously played a character named “Sharon Stone”) in a movie with (the “real”?) Sharon Stone. I bet both Michelle Pfeiffer and Sean Young were wiping their foreheads in relief over this one.
Catalina Caper [MST3K] – Post-Disney Tommy Kirk: How bad could it be?
Chairman of the Board – See here
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle – Demi Returns ... to form.
Cleopatra – Tamara Dobson, Antonio Fargas, and Rex Harrison were great!
Clerks I and II – Why can’t ALL his characters be Silent?
Color of Night – Still beats Body of Evidence
The Conqueror – John Wayne as Genghis Khan ... I swear.
Cool as Ice – Dumb, dumb, dumb, ditty-dee, dumb, dumb.
Cop and a Half – “Fellini’s Cop a Half”
The Crawling Hand [MST3K] – The film gave me the creeps.
The Creeping Terror [MST3K] – The film gave me the crawls.
Critters 2: The Main Course – Pass me a bucket.
Crossroads – Crucify me.
Curse of the Pink Panther (Inspector Clouseau, Trail of the Pink Panther, Son of the Pink Panther, The Pink Panther, The Pink Panther 2) – The Curse is that no one but Peter Sellers can play Inspector Clouseau. But, darn it, they do try, don’t they?
Cutthroat Island – Cut it now.
Daddy Day Care – Eddie Murphy Strikes.
Demolition Man – A friend dragged me to see this film. Sylvester Stallone AND Sandra Bullock.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo – It has Rob Schneider ... how could it have been bad?
Dirty Dancing – I don’t care if Patrick Swayze has past on; I knew in 1987 what most of us know now: the is a bad movie.
Dirty Love - [Unspeakable]
Doctor Dolittle (1967) - My favorite line: "When you say 'He can speak crab and pelican', they'll say 'Like hell he can!'"
Dr. Dolittle I-V – Eddie Murphy Strikes Again.
Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde – Keep hyding ... keep counting.
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas – Not nearly as bad as The Cat in the Hat but still ...
Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd - See Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla
Dune – Sorry, but I really love this film. It is convoluted, odd, violent, gory, bizarre, and made by David Lynch but I still really, really love it. Yes, it is long, but I watched the 5 hour version on a bootlegged copy in college.
Eegah [MST3K] – “Watch out for snakes."
The English Patient – On Seinfeld, the character of Elaine Benes is forced to sit through this film because of a boyfriend and her job. I set through it because of a girlfriend. She wasn’t worth it.
Evan Almighty - Richard Roeper in his review of the film commended Jim Carrey for not reprising his role in "three of the worst sequels of all time", which included Dumb and Dumberer, Son of the Mask, and Evan Almighty.
Exit to Eden – There wasn’t that much nudity in Eden.
Fair Game – Next time ... cheat.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off – I don’t care who knows it – this movie was bad. There, I’ve said it and I meant it.
Flash Gordon – My theory is that Queen forgot that they were asked to submit an idea for theme music to this film and had to make it up on the way to the meeting: “Flash ... Ah-hah!”
Freddy Got Fingered – [Unspeakable]
From Justin to Kelly – I am happy that Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini are both Christians. See Showgirls below.
Ghost – No comment.
Gigli – Bennifer I
Give My Regards to Broad Street – Square.
Glen or Glenda – Today Ed Wood wouldn’t have to make a choice.
Glitter – Obviously not gold.
The Goonies – Here is another 1980s icon I feel the need to shatter. This movie was bad. There, I’ve said it and I really, really meant it.
Grease 2 – The only reason the original Grease film isn’t on this list is that I do like the title song "Grease" (written by Barry Gibb and sung by Frankie Valli) and “Beauty School Dropout” (sung by Frankie Avalon).
The Greatest Story Ever Told – Best Line in the Movie, spoken by the Centurion played by John Wayne: “Truly this man was the son of God.” (You have to read the line as Wayne would have said it.)
Grindhouse – It has been hard to sit by for 17 years and hear some of my friends, peers, colleagues, and favorite artists and critics gush out praise for Quentin Tarantino and his films. Granted since the early 1970s, much of Hollywood has been run by 14 year old boys but many of those Boomers have matured – Tarantino is an Xer and shows no sign of finishing puberty – if anything he is regressing!
This film was the first significant crack in the Tarantino corpus to be noticeable by anyone other myself. Dismal. Granted, the rest of his work is bad (Yes, Pulp Fiction isn’t good), but now everyone could see it ... or, rather, didn’t want to see it.
I mean, look at how many gawdawful films John Travolta has made since 1994. Quentin Tarantino is responsible for that.
The Haunted Mansion – The scene in the crypt should have gotten the film a PG-13 at the very least.
Heaven’s Gate – Once the Citizen Kane of Box Office Bombs ... but Kevin Costner was soon to come.
Hercules in New York (originally known as Hercules Goes Bananas) – The first step in Arnold's diabolical plan to become governor of Calli-furn-ya.
Hercules Unchained [MST3K] – A great movie to make fun of.
Hobglobins [MST3K] – I can usually stomach a bad film on MST3K if the humor is good - not this one! They warned the audience that this one was REALLY bad ... no more than 20 minutes and we changed the channel.
The Horn Blows at Midnight – Here is an old film starring Jack Benny. A notable bomb that Benny’s TV scriptwriters used as a punch line for many more decades. I don’t think any film disaster was ever so profitable for its star. 30 minutes in was more than I could stand.
Howard the Duck – Dead duck.
Hudson Hawk – Dead Hawk.
I Know Who Killed Me – Now how about your career?
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale – In the Name of God: Stop making films, Uwe!
Inchon! – Made the War in the Pacific look like a Mass Wedding.
Independence Day – A film by Michael Bay. This isn’t the worst film ever made but only because Michael Bay has made other films.
Inspector Gadget – Would you believe that he missed it by that much?
Ishtar – and Ishfeather them
It’s Pat – It’s ______!
Jaws: The Revenge – The Sharks vendetta against the film franchise.
Jersey Girl - Bennifer II
Joe Dirt – Joe ______!
John Waters Films - Saves time just grouping them together.
Judge Dredd – How does the man do it?
Junior - Ebert and his partner Gene Siskel gave the movie "two thumbs up" on their TV show. No one is perfect.
Kazaam – Kablooey.
King Kong Lives – Sort of a trial run for Linda Hamilton’s role on Beauty and the Beast.
Kolberg – Why win WWII when you can make a film about defeating the French in 1807.
The Land Before Time I-XIV – Make Time STOP!!!
Last Action Hero – It’s a comedy and a satire on action movies. If you understand that, the film is not too bad.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen – They were watching this movie at the guy’s dorm at seminary. There is nothing more thrilling than a high speed chase through the STREETS of Venice.
Leonard Part 6 - “Hey, hey, hey, it’s a Fat Failure!”
Little Buddha – In college, my poetry professor came to class one morning complaining that Keanu Reeves gave the worst acting performance of any star actor that he had ever witnessed. Obviously, my professor had not yet seen Keanu Reeves in Much Ado About Nothing, Johnny Mnemonic, Feeling Minnesota, The Devil's Advocate, etc.
Little Man – Next the Wayans Brothers will do a film version of “One Froggy Evening”
Little Nicky – Adam Sandler makes so many bad movies, when someone else makes a bad movie Sandler gets a royalty!
The Love Guru – “Ka-ching, ka-ching!” quoth Mr. Sandler
Mac and Me – And the French version: “Royale with Cheese and Me”
Mallrats – It’s like Dawn of the Dead but with less brains and worse acting.
Manos: The Hands of Fate [MST3K] – Best to give this one the Finger of Fate.
The Master of Disguise – Turtle, turtle, turtle ... ? I don’t get it.
Masters of The Universe – If you don’t have the budget, don’t make the film.
The Matrix II (aside from the amazingly choreographed fight scene between Neo and the Mutiple Mr. Smiths) and The Matrix III - You all know it's true - you just have to have the courage to admit it.
Meet Dave – Meet Norbit.
Mitchell [MST3K] – One of my favorite MST3K episodes.
Mohammad: Messenger of God – Shiite.
Monster A Go-Go – It could have been worse.
Monster’s Ball – Halle Berry is a bad actress. Yes, she got the Oscar for this, but Jamie Foxx won an Oscar and he portrayed Wanda Wayne on In Living Color. How did he beat Don Cheadle for Hotel Rwanda?
Myra Breckinridge – Sorry, but Gore Vidal is not a great or even a good writer.
The NeverEnding Story II-III – Aptly named.
Norbit – Dave.
North – Here is Roger Ebert’s Famous Review:
"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."
Nothing But Trouble – Dan Aykroyd got the idea after being pulled over for speeding in North Carolina. ... Same to you, buddy!
Oh, God (1977), Oh, God! Book II (1980) and Oh, God! You Devil (1984) – It’s going to be difficult to explain the 1980s fascination and stardom of George Burns to future generations.
The Only Game in Town - In his review in the New York Times, Vincent Canby called it “a phenomenological disaster”.
Octopussy – The “Tarzan Yell” was to the James Bond franchise what Darth Vader’s “No!” in Revenge of the Sith was to the Star Wars franchise.
Pearl Harbor – Yes, Monster A Go-Go could have been worse.
The Pirate Movie – This film plus Cutthroat Island is what doomed movies about Pirates until Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End – And now we are back to the time of The Pirate Movie and Cutthroat Island. What happened? Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest was one of the best action and adventure films I’ve ever seen. Aside from the scenes in Davy Jone’s Locker [the Multiple Jack Sparrow-sequence which I could have watched for hours], this movie was a complete mess. What happened?
Plan 9 from Outer Space – Ed Wood made bad movies because he had no money. What excuse does Michael Bay have?
Planet of the Apes (2001) – “Oh my Gosh. A remake. A remake. After all this time, he made a ... He finally really did it. You Maniac! You blew it up! Ah, darn you! Gosh darn you, Tim Burton, to Sheol!!”
Popeye – The only two people who appear to like this movie is Roger Ebert and myself. I love it! I’ve actually thought long and hard about why people do not like this movie and have reached a conclusion. Anyone who wants to know can email me.
The Poseidon Adventure (1972), (1979), (2005), and (2006) – They were all bad. Try and understand: disaster movies are ALL bad. All of them. And Michael Bay is a horrible director.
The Postman – Kevin Costner always makes bad films twice.
Problem Child - [Unspeakable]
Queen of the Damned – Ann Rice is now a Christian. See Showgirls below.
Raise the Titanic – Plot overboard!
Rambo I-IV – Vietnam wasn’t this bad.
Rat Race – Yet another remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
The Real Cancun – The first (and so far last) film by the makers of MTV’s The Real World. They are the primary ones to blame for reality shows. A bunch of college graduates who live in a multi-million dollar apartment with disposable income and no jobs. Real world ...
Rhinestone – Sylvester Stallone isn’t human!! How can he survive?!!
Robot Monster – I preferred Monster Robot.
The Rocketeer – A big box office disappointment but not really a bad movie
Rocky I-VI – Why won’t he stop?!!
Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma – Don’t even ask. A 2000 poll of critics conducted by the The Village Voice named it the 89th greatest film of the 20th century. But then The Village Voice would, wouldn’t they?
Santa Claus Conquerors the Martians – Well, then tell them to conqueror back!
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause – I was forced to sit through this one in a theatre. What is the point of being an adult if you’re still forced to watch nonsense like this?
Scary Movie – [Unspeakable]
Scipio Africanus – He could make the trains run on time but Mussolini wasn’t a very good film producer. Stick to your day job of invading Abyssinia.
Scooby-Doo I-II – Don’t.
Sextette – Mae West eventually became a Christian late in life. See Showgirls below.
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – It came out the same year as Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. Coincidence?
Shanghai Surprise – Madonna made more movies after this one. Surprise!
Showgirls – Man, I am glad Joe Eszterhas became a Christian a few years ago because with Basic Instinct, Sliver, Alan Smithee, and this film … I wouldn’t have worried about “development hell”.
The Sidehackers [MST3K] – A mighty big thorn.
Ski Hard – Don’t ask. Skip down to Sliver.
Sliver – On second though, go back to Ski Hard.
Smokey and the Bandit I-III – They made THREE of them!
Soldier - The film was critically panned, in part due to the lackluster dialogue that had Kurt Russell speaking only 79 words over the course of the 99 minute movie
Son of the Mask – Here is a Rule of Thumb when dining out: the commercial, the advertisement, and the picture on the menu will always look better than the actual item on your plate. This Rule of Thumb extends to Movie Previews on television and in the theatre itself. A movie preview shown at a movie theatre will always be worse than the actual movie. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE WORST FILMS EVER!!!
A Sound of Thunder – Most will never hear of this film and even fewer will ever see this major film failure.
The Specialist – If Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone are the worst actor and actress of their generation (and I think they are) then this film was really something special.
Speed 2: Cruise Control – Even Keanu Reeves stayed away from this one. See Speed 3 instead
Speed Racer – Go, Speed Racer, and don’t come back.
Spice World – Puppy dog tails.
The Spirit – Slay me.
The Story of Mankind – Just a waste of fine talent.
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over - Well said.
Starship Troopers – I never knew how bad a film could be … I probably must thank this film for ending my desire to watch any film I knew wasn’t good.
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier – The finest film William Shatner ever directed.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - PROVE
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones - ME
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith - WRONG
Staying Alive – Kill Me
Stop or My Mom Will Shoot – I’m not stopping.
Striptease – Demi Moore AND Burt Reynolds ... how could they fail?
Stuart Saves His Family – The man is in the Senate!
The Stupids – Duh.
SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 – Good God, they did make a sequel! Aaaaahhh!
Supergirl – It was better than Cat Woman but that wasn’t too hard.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace – And that was the end of the Superman francise.
Swept Away – And yet Madonna continues to come back again and again.
Swordfish – Did you see Halle Berry promote this movie at the MTV Movie Awards in 2001?
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues – It’s a film based on a book by Tom Robbins … who would expect it to be any good?
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar – Woof!
Town and Country - It holds the record for the largest absolute loss (movie budget minus box-office intake) on a movie.
Transformers – I had the toys and watched the show when I was a kid and I still couldn’t figure out what was going on.
Transformers 2 – “Worst of the Decade” they are saying. And the Razzie goes to ...
Troll 2 – There are no trolls in the movie.
The Tuxedo – Unfortunately, there is a tuxedo in the movie.
Two of a Kind – Fold.
Underwater! – Better to be sprinkled next time.
View to a Kill – The theme song by Duran Duran was nice. ... You’ll notice that Timothy Dalton Bong films escaped this list. Too obvious.
Water World – The only movie I ever went to see because I felt sorry for the filmmaker.
Weekend at Bernies 2 – I’m only glad I didn’t see the first one. By the way, how did he die?
White Chicks – Rob Schneider, eat your heart out.
Who's Your Caddy? – Who would've thought Caddyshack 2 would ever be topped?
Wild Wild West – I loathe steampunk.
Xanadu – X marks the spot, so watch where you step. Woof.
Worst Directors
Michael Bay
Uwe Boll
Kevin Costner
Kevin Smith
Lars von Trier
Paul Verhoeven
John Waters
Ed Wood
Worst Actors, Actresses, and Rob Schneider
Ben Affleck
Halle Berry
Sandra Bullock
Kevin Costner
Timothy Dalton
Willem Dafoe
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Madonna
Demi Moore
Eddie Murphy
Keanu Reeves
Burt Reynolds
Kurt Russell
Rob Schneider
Sylvester Stallone
Sharon Stone
Arnold Swarzenegger
John Travolta
The Wayans Brothers
1) A film for which the production and marketing costs greatly exceeded the revenue retained by the movie studio, i.e., it didn’t make squash at the box office.
2) A big-billed film with all the necessary ingredients that make a great film (director, cast, producers, studio, special FX, screenplay, sweeping music score, big budget, and marketing) except one: entertainment.
3) A film that is so ghastly ... (shudder), (cringe), and (“I’d walk out of that movie on an airplane!”)
This is the general groupings that I’ve maintained for my collection. And, of course, some of these films fulfill two or more of the three types. Granted not everyone will agree with all of my choices, but most will agree with most of my choices.
Some of these films I only saw by watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 abbreviated MST3K. These films will be noted by the following: [MST3K]
However, there are a few films on this list which I have seen and which are generally considered to be bad for one reason or other, but which I believe are really great. Naturally, I shall point these out.
1941 – Steven Spielberg’s contribution to the end of New Hollywood.
3000 Miles to Graceland – All I say is that it stars Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell, thus the title speaks for itself. ... Soundtrack by Paul Simon.
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen – This is a fabulous film beset with disasters from day one. It nearly ruined Terry Gilliam’s film career and became the second in a long line of unfortunate film troubles. But The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus comes out Christmas Day!!!
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – I only saw one scene. Woof.
The Adventures of Pluto Nash – Texas Ranger
The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert – I have the lunch box!
An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn – Irony upon irony upon irony ...
Alexander – "Beware of windfallen apples and of men whose eyebrows meet".
All the King's Men – Michael Medved: a "pointless, pretentious, plodding period-piece" of ...
Alone in the Dark – A Video Game with Christian Slater.
Antichrist – Now William Dafoe has played Christ and Anti-Christ.
Are You Being Served?: The Movie – I love the TV show too much to ever watch the film.
Armageddon – Why did Bruce Willis have to die? Why is it never Ben Affleck?
Around the World in 80 Days (2004) – The last step in Arnold's diabolical plan to become governor of Calli-furn-ya
The Avengers – Montezuma’s Avenge
Baby Geniuses – Well, at least no one wanted to make a sequel.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever – With a name like that, how could they have failed?
B*A*P*S – I knew when I watch The Flintstone Movie and saw Halle Berry play a character named “Sharon Stone” that no good was to come from this “actress”. This film confirmed it.
Barb Wire – It’s not just Pamela Anderson in an action movie ... it’s a remake of Casablanca. I swear!
Basic Instinct – The film that made Sharon Stone ... whatever.
Basic Instinct 2 – Like I’d ever want to watch this.
Batman and Robin – I probably must thank this film for ending my desire to watch any film I knew wasn’t good. Every line was a bad pun or cliché. How is it that these actors can read a script and not realize that the film is going to be absolutely gawdawful?
Battlefield Earth - “If John Travolta can fly an airplane, how hard can it be?” – Barry B. Benson, Bee Movie
The Blue Bird (1976) – Even Shirley Temple’s version of 1940 wasn’t as bad as this.
The Blue Lagoon – Bad movie, appropriate title.
Blue Velvet – I saw this one in college. Cult classic or not, this was bad.
Boat Trip - [Unspeakable]
Body of Evidence – William Dafoe AND Madonna
The Bonfire of the Vanities - Sorry, but Tom Wolfe is not a great or even a good writer.
Boom! – One of several films that feature Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton yelling at each other.
Bride Wars – I saw this one just recently. They worked really hard to make this premise plausible.
The Brown Bunny - [Unspeakable]
Buffy the Vampire Slayer – The title was so bad, I just had to see it.
Caddyshack II - If Caddyshack is the greatest movie about golf, then Caddyshack II is the worst movie about golf. ... Was it about golf?
Cain and Mabel – A film with (and for) William Randolph Hearst’s mistress, Marion Davies. The tragedy of the matter is that Davis was a brilliant comedianne (see Show People, an extremely funny movie) but Hearst wanted her to be a dramatic actress.
Caligula - John Gielgud, Peter O'Toole, Malcolm McDowell, and Helen Mirren. Oops!
Caligula II – You’ll never know.
The Cannonball Run I-II – Essentially, the first film was a remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. The sequel dares to venture further down the spiral.
Can’t Stop the Music – Try.
Car 54, Where Are You? – Killed re-runs of that TV Show for a generation.
Casino Royale (1967) – This film is an utter disaster in every sense of the word. A complete mess of actors, directors, producers, scripts, lawsuits, editing ... characters come and go, the actors playing them come and go, plots stop and start, characters' accents and mannerisms stop and start, there are the most glaring plot holes and plot jumps that you will ever see. This is not so much of a train wreck but a herd of 100 car trains falling off the Empire State building like lemmings ... and I love every minute of it! I really love this movie. It works in ways that it couldn’t possibly ever really work. I highly recommend reading up on what occurred with this film.
The Cat in the Hat – Tremendously bad.
Cat Woman – It has Halle Berry (who previously played a character named “Sharon Stone”) in a movie with (the “real”?) Sharon Stone. I bet both Michelle Pfeiffer and Sean Young were wiping their foreheads in relief over this one.
Catalina Caper [MST3K] – Post-Disney Tommy Kirk: How bad could it be?
Chairman of the Board – See here
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle – Demi Returns ... to form.
Cleopatra – Tamara Dobson, Antonio Fargas, and Rex Harrison were great!
Clerks I and II – Why can’t ALL his characters be Silent?
Color of Night – Still beats Body of Evidence
The Conqueror – John Wayne as Genghis Khan ... I swear.
Cool as Ice – Dumb, dumb, dumb, ditty-dee, dumb, dumb.
Cop and a Half – “Fellini’s Cop a Half”
The Crawling Hand [MST3K] – The film gave me the creeps.
The Creeping Terror [MST3K] – The film gave me the crawls.
Critters 2: The Main Course – Pass me a bucket.
Crossroads – Crucify me.
Curse of the Pink Panther (Inspector Clouseau, Trail of the Pink Panther, Son of the Pink Panther, The Pink Panther, The Pink Panther 2) – The Curse is that no one but Peter Sellers can play Inspector Clouseau. But, darn it, they do try, don’t they?
Cutthroat Island – Cut it now.
Daddy Day Care – Eddie Murphy Strikes.
Demolition Man – A friend dragged me to see this film. Sylvester Stallone AND Sandra Bullock.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo – It has Rob Schneider ... how could it have been bad?
Dirty Dancing – I don’t care if Patrick Swayze has past on; I knew in 1987 what most of us know now: the is a bad movie.
Dirty Love - [Unspeakable]
Doctor Dolittle (1967) - My favorite line: "When you say 'He can speak crab and pelican', they'll say 'Like hell he can!'"
Dr. Dolittle I-V – Eddie Murphy Strikes Again.
Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde – Keep hyding ... keep counting.
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas – Not nearly as bad as The Cat in the Hat but still ...
Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd - See Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla
Dune – Sorry, but I really love this film. It is convoluted, odd, violent, gory, bizarre, and made by David Lynch but I still really, really love it. Yes, it is long, but I watched the 5 hour version on a bootlegged copy in college.
Eegah [MST3K] – “Watch out for snakes."
The English Patient – On Seinfeld, the character of Elaine Benes is forced to sit through this film because of a boyfriend and her job. I set through it because of a girlfriend. She wasn’t worth it.
Evan Almighty - Richard Roeper in his review of the film commended Jim Carrey for not reprising his role in "three of the worst sequels of all time", which included Dumb and Dumberer, Son of the Mask, and Evan Almighty.
Exit to Eden – There wasn’t that much nudity in Eden.
Fair Game – Next time ... cheat.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off – I don’t care who knows it – this movie was bad. There, I’ve said it and I meant it.
Flash Gordon – My theory is that Queen forgot that they were asked to submit an idea for theme music to this film and had to make it up on the way to the meeting: “Flash ... Ah-hah!”
Freddy Got Fingered – [Unspeakable]
From Justin to Kelly – I am happy that Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini are both Christians. See Showgirls below.
Ghost – No comment.
Gigli – Bennifer I
Give My Regards to Broad Street – Square.
Glen or Glenda – Today Ed Wood wouldn’t have to make a choice.
Glitter – Obviously not gold.
The Goonies – Here is another 1980s icon I feel the need to shatter. This movie was bad. There, I’ve said it and I really, really meant it.
Grease 2 – The only reason the original Grease film isn’t on this list is that I do like the title song "Grease" (written by Barry Gibb and sung by Frankie Valli) and “Beauty School Dropout” (sung by Frankie Avalon).
The Greatest Story Ever Told – Best Line in the Movie, spoken by the Centurion played by John Wayne: “Truly this man was the son of God.” (You have to read the line as Wayne would have said it.)
Grindhouse – It has been hard to sit by for 17 years and hear some of my friends, peers, colleagues, and favorite artists and critics gush out praise for Quentin Tarantino and his films. Granted since the early 1970s, much of Hollywood has been run by 14 year old boys but many of those Boomers have matured – Tarantino is an Xer and shows no sign of finishing puberty – if anything he is regressing!
This film was the first significant crack in the Tarantino corpus to be noticeable by anyone other myself. Dismal. Granted, the rest of his work is bad (Yes, Pulp Fiction isn’t good), but now everyone could see it ... or, rather, didn’t want to see it.
I mean, look at how many gawdawful films John Travolta has made since 1994. Quentin Tarantino is responsible for that.
The Haunted Mansion – The scene in the crypt should have gotten the film a PG-13 at the very least.
Heaven’s Gate – Once the Citizen Kane of Box Office Bombs ... but Kevin Costner was soon to come.
Hercules in New York (originally known as Hercules Goes Bananas) – The first step in Arnold's diabolical plan to become governor of Calli-furn-ya.
Hercules Unchained [MST3K] – A great movie to make fun of.
Hobglobins [MST3K] – I can usually stomach a bad film on MST3K if the humor is good - not this one! They warned the audience that this one was REALLY bad ... no more than 20 minutes and we changed the channel.
The Horn Blows at Midnight – Here is an old film starring Jack Benny. A notable bomb that Benny’s TV scriptwriters used as a punch line for many more decades. I don’t think any film disaster was ever so profitable for its star. 30 minutes in was more than I could stand.
Howard the Duck – Dead duck.
Hudson Hawk – Dead Hawk.
I Know Who Killed Me – Now how about your career?
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale – In the Name of God: Stop making films, Uwe!
Inchon! – Made the War in the Pacific look like a Mass Wedding.
Independence Day – A film by Michael Bay. This isn’t the worst film ever made but only because Michael Bay has made other films.
Inspector Gadget – Would you believe that he missed it by that much?
Ishtar – and Ishfeather them
It’s Pat – It’s ______!
Jaws: The Revenge – The Sharks vendetta against the film franchise.
Jersey Girl - Bennifer II
Joe Dirt – Joe ______!
John Waters Films - Saves time just grouping them together.
Judge Dredd – How does the man do it?
Junior - Ebert and his partner Gene Siskel gave the movie "two thumbs up" on their TV show. No one is perfect.
Kazaam – Kablooey.
King Kong Lives – Sort of a trial run for Linda Hamilton’s role on Beauty and the Beast.
Kolberg – Why win WWII when you can make a film about defeating the French in 1807.
The Land Before Time I-XIV – Make Time STOP!!!
Last Action Hero – It’s a comedy and a satire on action movies. If you understand that, the film is not too bad.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen – They were watching this movie at the guy’s dorm at seminary. There is nothing more thrilling than a high speed chase through the STREETS of Venice.
Leonard Part 6 - “Hey, hey, hey, it’s a Fat Failure!”
Little Buddha – In college, my poetry professor came to class one morning complaining that Keanu Reeves gave the worst acting performance of any star actor that he had ever witnessed. Obviously, my professor had not yet seen Keanu Reeves in Much Ado About Nothing, Johnny Mnemonic, Feeling Minnesota, The Devil's Advocate, etc.
Little Man – Next the Wayans Brothers will do a film version of “One Froggy Evening”
Little Nicky – Adam Sandler makes so many bad movies, when someone else makes a bad movie Sandler gets a royalty!
The Love Guru – “Ka-ching, ka-ching!” quoth Mr. Sandler
Mac and Me – And the French version: “Royale with Cheese and Me”
Mallrats – It’s like Dawn of the Dead but with less brains and worse acting.
Manos: The Hands of Fate [MST3K] – Best to give this one the Finger of Fate.
The Master of Disguise – Turtle, turtle, turtle ... ? I don’t get it.
Masters of The Universe – If you don’t have the budget, don’t make the film.
The Matrix II (aside from the amazingly choreographed fight scene between Neo and the Mutiple Mr. Smiths) and The Matrix III - You all know it's true - you just have to have the courage to admit it.
Meet Dave – Meet Norbit.
Mitchell [MST3K] – One of my favorite MST3K episodes.
Mohammad: Messenger of God – Shiite.
Monster A Go-Go – It could have been worse.
Monster’s Ball – Halle Berry is a bad actress. Yes, she got the Oscar for this, but Jamie Foxx won an Oscar and he portrayed Wanda Wayne on In Living Color. How did he beat Don Cheadle for Hotel Rwanda?
Myra Breckinridge – Sorry, but Gore Vidal is not a great or even a good writer.
The NeverEnding Story II-III – Aptly named.
Norbit – Dave.
North – Here is Roger Ebert’s Famous Review:
"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."
Nothing But Trouble – Dan Aykroyd got the idea after being pulled over for speeding in North Carolina. ... Same to you, buddy!
Oh, God (1977), Oh, God! Book II (1980) and Oh, God! You Devil (1984) – It’s going to be difficult to explain the 1980s fascination and stardom of George Burns to future generations.
The Only Game in Town - In his review in the New York Times, Vincent Canby called it “a phenomenological disaster”.
Octopussy – The “Tarzan Yell” was to the James Bond franchise what Darth Vader’s “No!” in Revenge of the Sith was to the Star Wars franchise.
Pearl Harbor – Yes, Monster A Go-Go could have been worse.
The Pirate Movie – This film plus Cutthroat Island is what doomed movies about Pirates until Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End – And now we are back to the time of The Pirate Movie and Cutthroat Island. What happened? Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest was one of the best action and adventure films I’ve ever seen. Aside from the scenes in Davy Jone’s Locker [the Multiple Jack Sparrow-sequence which I could have watched for hours], this movie was a complete mess. What happened?
Plan 9 from Outer Space – Ed Wood made bad movies because he had no money. What excuse does Michael Bay have?
Planet of the Apes (2001) – “Oh my Gosh. A remake. A remake. After all this time, he made a ... He finally really did it. You Maniac! You blew it up! Ah, darn you! Gosh darn you, Tim Burton, to Sheol!!”
Popeye – The only two people who appear to like this movie is Roger Ebert and myself. I love it! I’ve actually thought long and hard about why people do not like this movie and have reached a conclusion. Anyone who wants to know can email me.
The Poseidon Adventure (1972), (1979), (2005), and (2006) – They were all bad. Try and understand: disaster movies are ALL bad. All of them. And Michael Bay is a horrible director.
The Postman – Kevin Costner always makes bad films twice.
Problem Child - [Unspeakable]
Queen of the Damned – Ann Rice is now a Christian. See Showgirls below.
Raise the Titanic – Plot overboard!
Rambo I-IV – Vietnam wasn’t this bad.
Rat Race – Yet another remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
The Real Cancun – The first (and so far last) film by the makers of MTV’s The Real World. They are the primary ones to blame for reality shows. A bunch of college graduates who live in a multi-million dollar apartment with disposable income and no jobs. Real world ...
Rhinestone – Sylvester Stallone isn’t human!! How can he survive?!!
Robot Monster – I preferred Monster Robot.
The Rocketeer – A big box office disappointment but not really a bad movie
Rocky I-VI – Why won’t he stop?!!
Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma – Don’t even ask. A 2000 poll of critics conducted by the The Village Voice named it the 89th greatest film of the 20th century. But then The Village Voice would, wouldn’t they?
Santa Claus Conquerors the Martians – Well, then tell them to conqueror back!
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause – I was forced to sit through this one in a theatre. What is the point of being an adult if you’re still forced to watch nonsense like this?
Scary Movie – [Unspeakable]
Scipio Africanus – He could make the trains run on time but Mussolini wasn’t a very good film producer. Stick to your day job of invading Abyssinia.
Scooby-Doo I-II – Don’t.
Sextette – Mae West eventually became a Christian late in life. See Showgirls below.
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – It came out the same year as Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. Coincidence?
Shanghai Surprise – Madonna made more movies after this one. Surprise!
Showgirls – Man, I am glad Joe Eszterhas became a Christian a few years ago because with Basic Instinct, Sliver, Alan Smithee, and this film … I wouldn’t have worried about “development hell”.
The Sidehackers [MST3K] – A mighty big thorn.
Ski Hard – Don’t ask. Skip down to Sliver.
Sliver – On second though, go back to Ski Hard.
Smokey and the Bandit I-III – They made THREE of them!
Soldier - The film was critically panned, in part due to the lackluster dialogue that had Kurt Russell speaking only 79 words over the course of the 99 minute movie
Son of the Mask – Here is a Rule of Thumb when dining out: the commercial, the advertisement, and the picture on the menu will always look better than the actual item on your plate. This Rule of Thumb extends to Movie Previews on television and in the theatre itself. A movie preview shown at a movie theatre will always be worse than the actual movie. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE WORST FILMS EVER!!!
A Sound of Thunder – Most will never hear of this film and even fewer will ever see this major film failure.
The Specialist – If Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone are the worst actor and actress of their generation (and I think they are) then this film was really something special.
Speed 2: Cruise Control – Even Keanu Reeves stayed away from this one. See Speed 3 instead
Speed Racer – Go, Speed Racer, and don’t come back.
Spice World – Puppy dog tails.
The Spirit – Slay me.
The Story of Mankind – Just a waste of fine talent.
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over - Well said.
Starship Troopers – I never knew how bad a film could be … I probably must thank this film for ending my desire to watch any film I knew wasn’t good.
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier – The finest film William Shatner ever directed.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - PROVE
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones - ME
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith - WRONG
Staying Alive – Kill Me
Stop or My Mom Will Shoot – I’m not stopping.
Striptease – Demi Moore AND Burt Reynolds ... how could they fail?
Stuart Saves His Family – The man is in the Senate!
The Stupids – Duh.
SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 – Good God, they did make a sequel! Aaaaahhh!
Supergirl – It was better than Cat Woman but that wasn’t too hard.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace – And that was the end of the Superman francise.
Swept Away – And yet Madonna continues to come back again and again.
Swordfish – Did you see Halle Berry promote this movie at the MTV Movie Awards in 2001?
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues – It’s a film based on a book by Tom Robbins … who would expect it to be any good?
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar – Woof!
Town and Country - It holds the record for the largest absolute loss (movie budget minus box-office intake) on a movie.
Transformers – I had the toys and watched the show when I was a kid and I still couldn’t figure out what was going on.
Transformers 2 – “Worst of the Decade” they are saying. And the Razzie goes to ...
Troll 2 – There are no trolls in the movie.
The Tuxedo – Unfortunately, there is a tuxedo in the movie.
Two of a Kind – Fold.
Underwater! – Better to be sprinkled next time.
View to a Kill – The theme song by Duran Duran was nice. ... You’ll notice that Timothy Dalton Bong films escaped this list. Too obvious.
Water World – The only movie I ever went to see because I felt sorry for the filmmaker.
Weekend at Bernies 2 – I’m only glad I didn’t see the first one. By the way, how did he die?
White Chicks – Rob Schneider, eat your heart out.
Who's Your Caddy? – Who would've thought Caddyshack 2 would ever be topped?
Wild Wild West – I loathe steampunk.
Xanadu – X marks the spot, so watch where you step. Woof.
Worst Directors
Michael Bay
Uwe Boll
Kevin Costner
Kevin Smith
Lars von Trier
Paul Verhoeven
John Waters
Ed Wood
Worst Actors, Actresses, and Rob Schneider
Ben Affleck
Halle Berry
Sandra Bullock
Kevin Costner
Timothy Dalton
Willem Dafoe
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Madonna
Demi Moore
Eddie Murphy
Keanu Reeves
Burt Reynolds
Kurt Russell
Rob Schneider
Sylvester Stallone
Sharon Stone
Arnold Swarzenegger
John Travolta
The Wayans Brothers
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