PC Answers Questions to a Doctoral Student on Evolution and Religion

Last year a doctoral student at a university in Tennessee discovered my blog and a few discussions on Baptist online forums of which I had taken parting 2003. The student was researching the issue of evolution and religion for his dissertation, and I am apparently one of only a handful of evangelical Baptists that accepts the theory of biological evolution. Doesn’t speak well to the validity of my position, does it?

Nevertheless, the student sent me a few questions whose answers I shall now post.

First, are you currently a Baptist pastor?

No. I am a Baptist looking for a ministry in which to pastor.

I’ve pastored in churches in Texas and North Carolina.

I’m a son of a Baptist pastor and a grandson of Baptist missionaries.

Oddly enough, while I have been looking for ministry work in Southern Baptist churches, my wife and I have been attending a Methodist church here in Ohio, partly because it is like a Southern Baptist church we enjoyed in Texas.

And just this past Sunday, the pastor (a conservative and an inerrantist) made an aside comment that Christians should not be beating each other up over evolution.


Second, many people with whom I've talked have told me that the SBC has gotten increasingly fundamentalist in the last couple of decades. Would you agree with that? Any comments on it?

I include this lengthy response because I it might be of interest to you.

Yes, that is unfortunately true. I have fundamentalist friends and family, and I both love them and thoroughly enjoy ministering with them. And while I do not agree with many of their distinct positions, I don’t care that they have them.

The SBC has always been a very conservative body of Christian believers. The vast majority are conservatives in which there is a very large block of fundamentalists of various sorts. There have always been a significant minority of moderate Baptists and a very insignificant minority of liberals. The leadership of the SBC was made up of moderates and conservatives.

As I’m sure you are very much aware, the issues of biological evolution and the interpretation of the Bible caused tremendous controversy in the SBC during the 20th century. Under pressure from fundamentalists and conservatives, the SBC leadership wrote a confession of faith in 1925 and amended it in 1963. Both of these versions state the orthodox Christian beliefs that God created the world and that the Bible is authoritative. Moderates and many conservatives sought to be present an inclusive document.

However, in the 1980s, conservatives (with fundamentalist leaders) began to use their denominational leadership positions to reform the structure of the SBC to prevent anyone but conservatives from being appointed to positions in the organization. At the same time, conservatives began to fire all the non-conservatives that were already in SBC positions. They also fired conservatives who were critical of the other firings and the takeover. This continued through the 1990s and culminated in the conservatives and fundamentalists amending the confession of faith in 2000. After it was adopted, every employee of the SBC was required to sign this document or be fired. Many, many were fired or made a hasty retreat before they were. By itself, the implementation of this confession and its fall out had the SBC reeling from the inside out.

However, the 1963 version of the confession included a prologue that explicitly stated that this document was “not to be used to hamper freedom of thought or investigation in other realms of life.” This allowed SBC employees (particularly seminary professors) from holding positions contrary to the 2000 confession just so long as they do not teach or preach otherwise. The last decade of the SBC has been repeated incidences of fundamentalist weeding these employees out and getting them fired.

What occurred in the SBC seminaries during the 1990s and 2000s has now begun to occur in Baptist colleges such as Carson Newman in TN and, most recently, at Truett-McConnell College in Georgia which plans to become the first Baptist college to require its faculty to affirm the 2000 confession.

http://www.abpnews.com/content/view/4671/53/
Many of the same fundamentalist leaders are involved.

None of the three Baptist confessions (even the fundamentalist penned version of 2000) reference the issue of evolution either explicitly or implicitly.

http://www.sbc.net/bfm/default.asp

But there are many issues important to SBC fundamentalists on which there is less than solid convention support. And there is very little support for amending the Baptist confession.

Therefore, for the past few years, the fundamentalist leadership of the SBC has been using the trustee system of the various convention agencies, including the seminaries, to enact theological standards which would not pass via the regular practice of convention vote.

I mention all this because if you’re asking about the SBC becoming increasingly fundamentalistic and how this relates to evolution and education (particularly in TN), then this is what has been done to the Baptist seminaries and what is now being done at the Baptist colleges.


Third, and this is related to the second question, how common are your views on evolution among evangelicals? As I said, from my own perspective, they seem extremely rare.

From my perspective, I assume that they are very rare too. Most evangelicals seem to associate biological evolution with atheism.

But if I had to hazard a guess, I would say that most Southern Baptists who accept the theory of biological evolution would keep it to themselves.

Obviously, biological evolution isn’t mentioned in 2000 plus year old documents that make of the Bible. It’s certainly unessential to the Faith. A Christian can reject evolution and still have a healthy and productive spiritual life. And it’s not an issue with which the average pastor, religious teacher, or church confronts. Combined with its controversial nature, for a pastor or religious teacher to announce their support for the theory would only be a distraction from the essentials.

In my four years at seminary, I never heard a professor state their position on the issue. Only one student ever stated his position to me and only through commenting on my blog. During that time, I only heard two SBC leaders make statements at seminary denouncing biological evolution, and both of them are two of the three recognized individuals who led the Fundamentalist takeover of the convention.

Given this and all I mentioned regarding the Fundamentalist takeover of the convention, I think it’s quite understandable that many SBC employees and pastors would keep their position quiet.


Fourth, in the baptist discussion board I read when you were talking about Brady Tarr, you were talking about reading Genesis as an apocalyptic text. What do you mean by that? I'm afraid I'm not theologically trained.

It was a hypothesis I had then that I have yet to pursue any further than you have read. I have only met one Old Testament scholar (a friend) who holds this position. I’ve never seen it in any other paper, article, or book that I can find.

The Apocalyptic genre of literature essentially presents a “spiritual” interpretation of history. It offers a “behind-the-scenes” view of what is going on with particular events and peoples and how it relates to God and the writer of the apocalyptic work’s intended audience. Apocalyptic literature is popularly known to focus on future events, but it just as often comments on present and past events. The Biblical books of Revelation, Daniel, Ezekiel, and Zechariah are prime examples but there are others in and outside the Jewish and Christian canons.

Apocalyptic literature will use symbolism, word play, exaggerated actions, fantastic creatures, “angelic beings”, truncated history, and otherworldly scenarios. This Biblical genre has a lot in common with basic dreams and many apocalyptic passages will occur in the context of a dream (Daniel chapters 2, 4, and 7; but also, as I will argue one day, Genesis 28, 40, and 41). The first three chapters of Genesis contain symbolism, puns and word play, fantastic talking animals, “angelic beings”, and many other apocalyptic characteristics that I’ll argue. The connection to the Tree of Life in Revelation 22:2 is my favourite.

But even though my apocalyptic argument has yet to be made, many other evangelical and conservative scholars who believe in the inerrancy of the Bible and the Genesis story hold the story to be figurative but true because its genre (whether poem, psalm, apocalypse, “myth”, short-story, etc.) permits to be non-literal but true.

Ask a fundamentalist about whether he or she believes that the book of Revelation is true. Naturally, he or she will say yes that they do, even though it is written in symbolic, non-literal language.


Fifth, have you been to the Creation Museum in Kentucky? I don't think it's far from you, but I figured you'd have blogged about it if you had gone. Any comments on it?

I have not been to the Creation Museum in Kentucky.


It was this question of which I was reminded while reading the Baptist Press article on “Noah’s Ark”. The Baptist Press quoted a statement from Answers in Genesis, the apologetics ministry that operates the Creation Museum just outside of Cincinnati. I currently live just over an hour away from the museum but have yet to visit.

Church Signs - Backside Baptist Church

Desperately Seeking Insensitive Servant

"Seeking a full-time, bi-vocational pastor for youth, worship, visitation, lawn care, and can preach every other Sunday. Preferably college-aged or seminary-aged who hasn't had any experience negotiating with a deacon board. Preferably single or, if married, not planning to have any children. The deacon chairman is a doctor and can perform the medical procedure ("snip, snip"). He has lots of such experience working with church staffs.

Direct all questions and resumes to:

Attn: Rev. Geddy Lee Gibb
2nd Baptist Church
2 Origen High Street, Enoch, Connectitcutt, 90125


‘Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name ...’ (Isaiah 56:5)”




[I applaud the person who can catch the "90125" joke.]

Calvinism, Election, the Atonement, and Infant Damnation: Questions Answered

I had someone reply to the True/False Test on Calvinism article I post early last year. Great questions! Really good. I decided to post his questions and comments and my answers for all our general educations.


"Christ is the elect" So Paul is writing to Jesus in Titus? Peter is writing to Jesus as well in 1 Peter? Your use of "election" in 12 is interesting.

Please reread what I wrote:

“I believe that, first and foremost, Jesus Christ is THE ELECT, and that only those who are connected with HIM are ‘elected.”

If I had meant that Jesus was the only elect, I would not have used the words “first” and “foremost”; I would have used the word “only”.

In 1 Peter 1:6, Peter refers to himself as elect.

In 1 Peter 2:4 and 6, the “elect” to which Peter refers to is Christ.

In 1 Peter 2:9, the “elect” refers to believers.

But the point Peter is making here is that believers are elect because Christ is the elect first and foremost. Christ is the choice cornerstone on which God is building a temple of living stones (believers, the elect).

In Matthew 21:42, Jesus applies Psalm 118:22-23 to himself: “Jesus said to them, ‘Have you never read in the Scriptures: “The stone which the builders rejected Has become the chief cornerstone. This was the LORD's doing, And it is marvelous in our eyes”?’” (see also Mark 12:10; Luke 20:17; Acts 4:11).

Paul refers to believers as a “temple” (1 Corinthians 3:16-17; 6:19).

Jesus was well-known in his time for saying that if the temple was destroyed, he could rebuild it in three days (Matthew 26:61; 27:40; Mark 14:58; 15:29; John 2:19). But as the Gospel of John notes, Jesus was referring to his own body (John 2:21).

Now, in verse 1 Peter 2:9, Peter quotes from Exodus 19:6: “And you shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation. These are the words which you shall speak to the children of Israel.”

Peter is making a connection here between Israel as God’s chosen people and all believers of the church as God’s chosen people. How can he do so?

The essential concept here is that Christ IS Israel in a very significant sense.

Note Exodus 4:22: “Then you shall say to Pharaoh, 'Thus says the LORD: "Israel is My son, My firstborn.”

Of course, we all know that Jesus Christ is God’s Son, his firstborn.

The idea here is that Christ is “first and foremost” the elect and all who have faith in him are elected because they associated with him whether they are believing Jews of racial “Israel” or Gentiles “grafted” into him.

In the Old Testament, Israel was often referred to as a vine (Isaiah 5:2; Jeremiah 2:21; 6:9; Hosea 10:1; 14:7). In John 15:1-2, Jesus refers to himself as the “true vine”. He notes that "every branch in me that does not bear fruit, He takes away”.

In Romans 11:17, Paul writes, “If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root.” Gentile believers have been “grafted” into Israel and unbelieving Jews have been broken off. This is how Paul can say in Romans 11:26 that “all Israel shall be saved.” Paul is not referring to specifically to Jewish people but to Israel as it is constituted in Christ. Any other interpretation of Romans 11:26 would mean that a Jewish atheist will die and “go to heaven” simply because he is Jewish. That’s obviously nonsense.

So as you can see, 1 Peter actually confirms what I wrote concerning #12:

“I believe that, first and foremost, Jesus Christ is THE ELECT, and that only those who are connected with HIM are ‘elected.”

13 If you don't believe in penal substitution then your answer about propitiation (35) in that it relates to the atonement needs expanded on. The rest of it is not in contrast to Calvinism, you just didn't define who is in him. His death is sufficient for any and all that are in him. One question in regards to 13 is "Christ atones for himself" what about himself needs atonement?

Here are a few of the blog posts I have written upon the subject of the Atonement. These should give you a good idea of my position upon the matter and the Scriptural evidence which supports it.

JESUS WAS NOT PUNISHED BY GOD FOR THE SINS OF HUMANITY

The Problem With Penal Substitionary Atonement

The "Suffering Servant" and the Atonement

What I Believe About the Atonement of Christ

A Discussion On The Atonement

In brief, I believe Jesus Christ by his life and death atoned for the sin of man to God. I believe that if Christ had not sacrificed himself and atoned for man’s sins, then every person would be damned. HOWEVER, I do NOT believe that this atoning sacrifice involved PUNISHING Christ for the sins of man. I do not believe that God was punishing Jesus in our place.

What occurred in the life and crucifixion of Christ was the perfect example of love and obedience from Man to God. It was certainly a sacrifice of propitiation in a sense that it was pleasing and acceptable to God and removed his wrath towards man, but that appeasement was not because Christ was punished but because Christ was obedient to God’s will. It was the self-sacrificing, self-denying love towards God and Man that pleased God the Father.

This ties into the subject of “the Elect”. Christ is the “Elect” and believers are “elected” IN him.

Christian believers have answered the call of God to follow Christ. Our choice to attach ourselves to Christ means that God looks at us through the lens of Christ and sees Jesus’ pleasing, perfect, self-sacrificing love in us.

And 1 Peter also speaks to this: “You also, as living stones, are being built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God THROUGH Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 2:5)

Ultimately, all our sacrifices are only acceptable because we offer them through Christ and God receives them through Christ.

Difficult stuff, to be sure, but the idea that God was punishing Christ for our sins is completely foreign to the Bible. It’s actually a horrid idea! In fact, as you will see in my blog articles on the subject, the Gospel writers go out of their way to establish that God was in no way punishing Jesus. The Penal Substitutionary Atonement theory was not developed until well into the second millennium of the church and is completely antithetical to what the Scriptures teach.


16 No, you need to research that. Total misunderstanding of Calvinist doctrine. Spurgeon for example believed that all babies went to Hell. Most (all that I've met) Calvinist believe that there are elect babies and reprobate babies just the same as grown ups. Particularly Presbyterians that believe in the covenant home.

Are you sure that you have done your research?

Charles Spurgeon (A sermon preached in London, Sept. 29, 1861)

“Now, let every mother and father here present know assuredly that it is well with the child, if God hath taken it away from you in its infant days . . .”

“Many of you are parents who have children in heaven. Is it not a desirable thing that you should go there, too?”

Granted, there are millions of Calvinists in this world and throughout Church history, but, in general, they’ve generally tended to believe that infants do not go to hell.

Now I do know Calvinists who are annihilationists (they believe that the eternal punishment of the “damned” is eternal death and not “eternal conscious torment”) and believe that the infants of unbelieving parents will remain dead and not participate in the resurrection of believers. However, if that parent subsequently becomes a believer, THEN the dead infant will then be able to be resurrected. I believe they get this concept partially from 1 Corinthians 7:14. This is the idea of the “covenant home” that you referenced. I’m incredulous to the idea and the exegesis myself. Yes, I believe in annihilationism but I think the use of 1 Corinthians 7:14 is dubious and unnecessary.

Now the question was whether or not Calvinists believe that babies go to “Hell”.
The author of the question could have meant “Hell” either as hades (the abode of the dead, or, specifically, the state of death in which all those who die – believer and unbeliever alike – until the resurrection) or as gehenna (the state of ultimate punishment for unbelievers, which is permanent death or hades).

Since most people (Christian or not) would assume he was referring to the gehenna-like hell, I myself assume the author was referring to the latter and still assume so.

I imagine that the author would have used a qualified if he was referring to “hell” as hades.

Dr. E. Earle Ellis (1926-2010)

Oddly enough, around the time that Dr. Ellis died, I had a flicker of thought in myself that someone important to my thinking had died, i.e., someone in the realms of Art and Theology. Soon after, I did a quick Internet search to see if anyone had passed away. In Art ... Nope! Stoppard, Gilliam, and Beck are still with us. But after checking up on N.T. Wright in the realm of Theology, I got distracted with something else and broke off my perusing.

Just today, a friend sent me an email informing me of Dr. Ellis's passing.

I had the privilege of taking two courses with Dr. Ellis. Both were amazing. No one understood the doctrine of the “corporate Christ” as well him. He was fundamental in the shaping of my Christology in this respect.

The doctrine of Christ's corporate nature has become the single most important doctrine in all of Christianity's teachings. Not only did this doctrine solve a whole lot of theological problems that had been befuddling me, but it brought ALL of the teachings of the Faith into a sublime, coherent whole.

In the summer of 2004, I even had the extreme privilege being a part of a group that toured both the British Library and the British Museum with Dr. Ellis as our guide. How sweet was that!

Of course, as it appears to be well know, Dr. Ellis had been writing a commentary on 1 Corinthians for decades. With pen and paper, he was picking away at it and moving like a glacier. But what is time to great theology and great art? My understanding is that Dr. Ellis completed about 15 chapters of 1 Corinthians. That’s more than enough to warrant publication.

Everyone who knew of Dr. Ellis will be praising his character, mind, theological output, and great contributions to the Christian Faith. As they should. So in order to be somewhat different, I'd like to post two great jokes that I heard Dr. Ellis tell while lecturing:

"Do you know how people take a vote in a charismatic church? They lower one hand."

(Dr. Ellis was a "charismatic" insofar as he believed that such "gifts" had not ceased and that he had spoken in "tongues" on many occasions.)

"The Calvinists have their flower: the T.U.L.I.P. The Arminians have their own flower: the Daisy. 'He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not ...'"

(Dr. Ellis was a "good Calvinist" by his own reckoning and I am not but, man, that’s a great joke.)


I read one blog post praising Dr. Ellis and ended with the heartfelt sentiment, "May he enjoy his heavenly rest!"

Of course, Dr. Ellis was an annihilationist and believed in "soul sleep" and not in a “heavenly” intermediate state (another of his great theological qualities).

If I may, a more fitting salute would be: May he rest in Christ. And he most certainly is.



E. Earle Ellis (1926-2010)

Passing of E. Earle Ellis

Earle Ellis, RIP

A List of 20th and 21st Century Celebrity Christians (Non-Clergy)

While I’ve been writing my first novel I’ve also been collecting and recording the names of 20th and 21st century celebrities who are Christians but not necessarily known as ministers or clergy. For example, I would list Angela Bassett, Alice Cooper, Kathy Ireland, and Barak Obama but not Billy Graham, N.T. Wright, James Dobson, and Joyce Meyer.

Quite a while back I posted my then current list and asked for any suggestions. I got a few and added the ones I could vet.

So I’ve decided to post the current list and see if there are any new suggestions.

The List

Willie Aames
Harold Abrams
Clay Aiken
Anna Akhmatova
Ivo Andrić
Reginald "Fieldy/Reggie" Arvizu
Bret Baier
Stephen Baldwin
Angela Bassett
Orson Bean
William J. Bennett
Jodi Benson
David Berkowitz
Crystal Bernard
Fred Berry
Tony Blair
Bono
Pat Boone
Hermann Broch
Gary Busey
George W. Bush
Candace Cameron
Kirk Cameron
Glen Campbell
Orson Scott Card
Jimmy Carter
Johnny Cash
June Carter Cash
Samuel Truett Cathy
Kristin Chenoweth
Kelly Clarkson
Bruce Cockburn
Stephen Colbert
Natalie Cole
Alice Cooper
Ann Coulter
David Crystal
Billy Ray Cyrus
Miley Cyrus
Charlie Daniels
Judy Dench
Dion Francis DiMucci
Alfred Döblin
Pete Docter
Steve Doocy
Donna Douglas
Tony Dungy
Scott Durbin
Bob Dylan
T.S. Eliot
Shusaku Endo
Josef Eszterhas
The Everly Brothers
Mark Fredrick Farner
Anthony Field
Jane Fonda
George Foreman
Gordon Gano
Raymond Garlick
Jon Gibson
Kathie Lee Gifford
John Glenn
Al Green
Justin Guarini
Alec Guinness
Jester Joseph Hairston
MC Hammer
Johnny Hart
Steve Harvey
Edith Head
David Heath
Evander Holyfield
Brit Hume
Kathy Ireland
Michael Irvin
Victoria Jackson
Avery Johnson
Dean Jones
Quincy Jones
Martin Luther King Jr.
Thomas Kinkade
Evel Knievel
Nikita S. Koloff
Lenny Kravitz
Lawrence Kudlow
Anne Lamott
Steven Michael Largent
Halldór Laxness
Tom Lester
C.S. Lewis
Eric Liddell
Rush Limbaugh
Donna Jean (Godchaux) MacKay
Gavin MacLeod
Kōichi Mashimo
Nicko McBrain (long time Iron Maiden drummer)
Norma McCorvey ("Jane Roe")
Nancy McKeon
Steve McQueen
Shawn Michaels
Toshiro Mifune
Moby
Ricardo Montalbán
Mr. T
Stuart Murdoch
Chuck Norris
Bob Novak
Barak Obama
Sinead O’Connor
Johnny Otis
Betty Paige
Sarah Palin
Boris Pasternak
Mary Jo Pehl
Tyler Perry
Chynna Phillips
Dennis Quaid
Anthony Quinn
Ronald Reagan
Harry Reems
Christina Ricci
Ann Rice
Cliff Richard
Little Richard
David Robinson
Fred Rogers
Dean Roland
Ed Roland
Caesar Romero
Mickey Rooney
Rene Russo
Jane Russell
Tim Russert
Pat Sajak
Deion Sanders
John Schneider
Charles Schulz
Al Sharpton
Martin Sheen
Jessica Simpson
Michael Singletary
Tony Snow
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Dusty Springfield
Noel "Paul" Stookey
Andrew Sullivan
Andrei Arsenyevich Tarkovsky
John-Michael Tebelak
John Tesh
Cal Thomas
J.R.R. Tolkien
Chris Tucker
Miguel de Unamuno
Sigrid Undset
Jay Underwood
Luna Vachon
Courtney B. Vance
Luther Vandross
Eduardo Verástegui
Michael Vick
Lark Voorhies
Rick Wakeman
Andy Warhol
Kurt Warner
Denzel Washington
Pauletta Pearson Washington
Brian “Head” Welch
Fay Weldon
Cornel West
Lisa Whelchel
Barry White
Reggie White
Juan Williams
Demond Wilson
"Weird Al" Yankovic
Franco Zeffirelli

Emo Philips: "The best God joke ever - and it's mine!"

by Emo Philips

The Guardian, Thursday 29 September 2005

This morning I received thrilling news: a joke I wrote more than 20 years ago has been voted the funniest religious joke of all time! In case you've missed it, here it is:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Two things, however, have slightly tarnished my thrill.

First, the website that conducted the poll, Ship of Fools, did not attribute me as the author. Arghhhhh! Sure, it has been quite a while since I performed it. And true, I'm not on TV all the time like some comedians I could name if I watched TV all the time. But come on, guys! The slightest Google search! But back in the day ... ah, my friends! That joke and I astounded the world! Everywhere I played, in the largest of British theatres, the audiences clamoured for it! I told it not once but twice on British television. A few years ago it was voted by my peers as one of the top 75 jokes of all time. It has been anthologized in several joke books, most recently in Italian; the translator gave me a copy a few weeks ago after one of my shows. He pointed the joke out, without telling me which it was ... but I immediately recognised my old friend by the word "ponte".

Second, I learned why Ship of Fools was running the poll ... to shed light on the possible effect if the British government goes ahead with its intention to outlaw "offensive" religious jokes. Such a law would be a bad idea, for the simple reason that jokes are how we humans avoid violence. Jokes are our safety-release mechanism. Sure they can sometimes be offensive. So can burps. But if you ban them even worse results happen. And believe me, if someone tells a joke that truly offends, he or she will be punished for it. That's one area for sure where the government can take it easy and relax.

So I hope the ban never goes into effect. But in case it does, I had better seize this last glorious moment to tell the rest of my religious jokes. Here goes:

· When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

· So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

· A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

· I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

· When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster

· The "Guy on the Bridge" joke can be heard on E=MO Squared (1985) which coincidentally is re-released on CD this month.

www.emophilips.com

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAMES JOYCE

And Happy Birthday, Michel Estève, too.

Bee Movie

Did you ever see this movie? The reviews were mixed when it first came out, but I watched it and laughed much of the time. I certainly enjoyed it. I really recommend it.

Here is my favourite joke in the film:

During the climactic action sequence when the human heroine faces the terrifying prospect of taking the controls of a jumbo jet a la Karen Black in Airport 1975:

"I can't fly a plane!" she gasps.

"Isn't John Travolta a pilot?" asks her bee compatriot. "How hard can it be?"

Lucifer, The Satan, and Isaiah 14: Why These Three Are Not Related

The pastor at the church I attend has begun a series called Angels & Demons: winning the battle of heart and mind. Yes, my fellow Baptists, Methodists do believe in Angels and Demons. I heard the first part yesterday and did enjoy it. There were a few errors (the traditional ones) but there inevitably are when Christians start talking about an issue as nebulous as "Angels and Demons".

The only error on which I would like to comment is the identification of the Satan with the figure "Lucifer" from Isaiah 14:3-20. They are not the same character. In fact, as a LITERAL reading of the passage indicates, the oracle is about the human king of Babylon, not an angelic or demonic figure.

Now many will concede that the oracle is indeed about the King of Babylon and not specifically an angelic or demonic being but that the King is being compared to an angelic or demonic figure. In this way, some will use the comparison to construct a picture of this figure as being Lucifer or The Satan. I can certainly see that the poetics of verses 12-15 must refer to something other than a man but 16-20 obviously do refer to a man as does all that comes before verse 12.

But what about verses 12-15? Note verse 12:

"How you are fallen from heaven, O Day Star, son of Dawn!"

The Hebrew phrase "הילל בן־שׁחר" (Helel Ben-Shachar) in verse 12, means "day star, son of dawn". It can be translated "Day Star" or "Morning Star" and properly refers to the planet Venus. In the Latin Vulgate, Jerome translated the Hebrew as "lucifer qui mane oriebaris" (morning star that used to rise early).

There is no Scripture that connects Lucifer (the Morning/Day Star) with The Satan. This connection was made by inference and was mistaken. Because of some of the expressions contained in this these few verses, Christian tradition began to associate the "Morning/Day Star" or "Lucifer" figure as being identical with the Satan. A quite similar passage is found in Ezekiel 28:1-19, which is expressly directed against the king of Tyre.

Please not my definitive paper on the identity of the King of Tyre. The aptly named: The Satan and Ezekiel 28: Reasons Why These Two Are Not Connected

Indeed, the only figure in the Bible I can find that is referred to as the "Morning Star" is Jesus in Revelation 22:16:

"Jesus says: '... I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.'"

No, Isaiah is not referring to Jesus in verse 12.

So what then is going on?

I hold the position that Isaiah is comparing the King of Babylon, not to an angelic or demonic being, but to gods in the Canaanite mythology.

He uses the image of the Morning/Day Star, which rises at dawn as the brightest of the stars, outshining Jupiter and Saturn, but lasting only until the sun appears. This imagery was used in Canaanite mythology about the Morning/Day Star who tried to rise high above the clouds and establish himself on the mountain where the gods assembled, in the far north, but was cast down into the underworld. Just as the Roman poets personified the Morning/Day Star and the Dawn (Aurora), as well as the Sun and the Moon and other heavenly bodies, so in Canaanite mythology Morning/Day Star and Dawn were pictured as two deities, the former being the son of the latter.

That last point is very important. The Morning/Day Star was considered the Son of the Dawn. Isaiah 14:12 refers to the figure as "Day Star, son of Dawn."

How could "Lucifer" or the Satan, or any other angelic or demonic figure have a father?

True, angelic figures in the Bible are sometimes referred to as "sons of God" (Job 1:6), but the context here seems to suggest something other than identifying God with shachar (שחר), the Dawn. In light of its Canaanite origin, I do not think its tenable to identify this passage with The Satan.

We'll just have to settle for the mystery of his origins.

Favorite Songs [Updated]

“Albinoni Adagio G Minor” – Remo Giazotto

“All Along the Watchtower” - Jimi Hendrix

“All Apologies” - Nirvana

“All Summer Long” - The Beach Boys

“Also sprach Zarathustra” – Richard Strauss

“American Pie” - Don McClean

“Another One Bites the Dust” - Queen

“Bachelorette” - Bjork

“The Barber of Seville Overture” – Gioachino Rossini

“The Blue Danube” - Johann Strauss II

“Bohemian Rhapsody” - Queen

“Brandenburg Concerto Allegro No. 2 in F Major” – Johann Sebastian Bach

“Brandenburg Concerto Allegros No. 3 in G Major” - Johann Sebastian Bach

“Brandenburg Concerto Allegro No. 6 in B Flat” - Johann Sebastian Bach

“China Girl” - David Bowie

“Concerto in F” – George Gershwin

“Coronation Mass in C Major K.317” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Così fan tutte, opera, K. 588 Act 1. Aria. Un' aura amorosa” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Creeque Alley” - The Mamas and the Papas

“Danse Macabre” – Camille Saint-saens

“Deathwish” - The Police

“Don Giovanni, opera, K. 527 Finale” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Don Giovanni, opera, K. 527 Lasciala, Indegno! (Moonlight Trio)” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Don Giovanni, opera, K. 527Overture” - Wolfgang Mozart

"Don't Come Around Here No More" - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

“Drifting” - 4 Non Blondes

“Emergency Exit” - Beck

“The End” - The Doors

“Die Entführung aus dem Serail, opera, K. 384 Act 2. Aria. Martern aller Arten” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Esther” - Phish

“Every Night” - Paul McCartney

“A Face in the Crowd” - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

“Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis, for 2 string orchestras” - Ralph Vaughan Williams

“Fee” - Phish

“Fire Water Burn” - The Bloodhound Gang

“Friend of the Devil” - Grateful Dead

"Girl Don't Tell Me" - Brian Wilson/The Beach Boys

“The Godfather Waltz” - Nino Rota

“Going to California” - Led Zeppelin

“Granchester Meadows” - Pink Floyd

“Green Onions” - Booker T. & the M.G.s

“Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves” - Cher

“Heaven” - Talking Heads

“Hello” - Lionel Richie

“Heroes and Villains” - Brian Wilson/The Beach Boys

“Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” - U2

“Home” - Brian Eno and David Byrne

“Hot Wax” - Beck

“Hunter” - Bjork

“I Got Plenty o' Nuttin'” - George Gershwin

“I Only Have Eyes For You” - The Flamingos

“The Imperial March” - John Williams

“It Ain't Necessarily So” - George Gershwin

“It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue” - Bob Dylan

“‘Jupiter’ Symphony No. 41 in C major K. 551 1. Allegro vivace” - Wolfgang Mozart

“KRS-One” - Sublime

“Lara's Theme” - Maurice Jarre

“The Last Day of Our Acquaintance” - Sinéad O'Connor

“Late Home Tonight Pt. 1” - Roger Waters

“Lather” - Jefferson Airplane

“Laudate Dominum (from Vesperae solennes de confessore for soloists, chorus & orchestra), K. 339” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Lawrence of Arabia (Main Theme)” - Maurice Jarre

“A Life of Illusion” - Joe Walsh

“Like a Rolling Stone” - Bob Dylan

“Linus and Lucy” - Vince Guaraldi

“The Longest Time” - Billy Joel

“Loser” - Beck

“Mary Jane’s Last Dance” - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

“Monday, Monday” - The Mamas and the Papas

“Moonlight Sonata” - Ludwig van Beethoven

“Mrs. Robinson” - Simon and Garfunkle

“My Life” - Billy Joel

“Nadia’s Theme” - Barry De Vorzon and Perry Botkin, Jr.

“November Rain” - Guns N’ Roses

“Le nozze di Figaro, opera, K. 492 Overture” - Wolfgang Mozart

“The Ocean” - Led Zeppelin

“Ordinary World” - Duran Duran

“Otto e Mezzo” - Nino Rota

“Paranoid Android” - Radiohead

“‘Paris’ Symphony No. 31 in D major K. 297 (K. 300a) 1st movement” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Pay No Mind” - Beck

“Peaches in Regalia” - Frank Zappa

“Piano Concerto No. 21 in C Major K.467” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Piano Sonata No. 12 in F major, K. 332 (K. 300k) 2. Adagio” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Piggies” - George Harrison

"Positively 4th Street" - Bob Dylan

“Prelude #2” - George Gershwin

“Rape Me” - Nirvana

“Reuters” - Wire

“Rhapsody in Blue” - George Gershwin

“Rocket Man” - Elton John

“Roy Walker” - Belle and Sebastian

“Runaway” - Del Shannon

“Scarborough Fair” - Simon and Garfunkle

“Der Schauspieldirektor, opera, K. 486 Overture” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Serenade No. 10 for winds in B flat Minor” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Sex Machine” - James Brown

“Smooth Criminal” - Michael Jackson

“Something” - The Beatles

“The Song Remains the Same” - Led Zeppelin

“Space Oddity” - David Bowie

“Stayin’ Alive” - The Bee Gees

“Stranglehold” - Ted Nugent

“Suite for solo cello No. 1 in G major, BWV 1007 Prelude” - Johann Sebastian Bach

“Suite: Judy Blue Eyes” – Crosby, Stills, and Nash

“Sultans of Swing” – Dire Straits

“Summertime” - George Gershwin

“Superfly” - 4 Non Blondes

“Symphony No. 25 in G minor, K. 183” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Take My Hand” - Toto

“Tales from the Vienna Woods” - Johann Strauss II

“Tangled Up in Blue” - Bob Dylan

“Terrapin Station” - The Grateful Dead

“That’s the Way” - Led Zeppelin

“These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” - Nancy Sinara

“The Thieving Magpie” - Gioachino Rossini

“Train” - 4 Non Blondes

“Violin Concerto No. 3 in G Major K. 216 3rd Movement” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Violin Concerto No. 5 in A Major K.219” - Wolfgang Mozart

“‘Waisenhausmesse’ Mass No. 4 for soloists, chorus & orchestra in C minor” - Wolfgang Mozart

“Wake Up Little Susie” - The Everly Brothers

“Waltz 2 from Suite for Variety Stage Orchestra” - Dmitri Shostakovich

“When the Levee Breaks” - Led Zeppelin

“Where It’s At” - Beck

“White Rabbit” - Jefferson Airplane

“White Wedding” - Billy Idol

“Who Are You?” - The Who

“Won’t Get Fooled Again” - The Who

“Wynona” - Primus

“Die Zauberflöte, opera, K. 620 Aria. Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen” - Wolfgang Mozart

Recent, Very Good Music

I've been exploring the musical landscape now for a year as I write my novel which uses music as a very important theme. As last year ended I had been listening to a lot more "World Music" and music from various countries and cultures. Also a few obscure groups (well, obscure to me) and some of the side projects of more famous bands. With regards to the latter, I've been working my way through the solo and side projects of the various members of the Grateful Dead.

I've also been listening to a lot of Krautrock recently (no offense). I like Faust, Neu!, The Can, Grobschnitt, and Amon Düül II in particular.

Here are a few albums that I have been listening to recently.

Tanz der Lemminge (English: Dance of the Lemmings) - Amon Düül II

Copperopolis - Grant Lee Buffalo

Demons and Wizards - Uriah Heep

The Magician's Birthday - Uriah Heep

Oracular Spectacular - MGMT

Rockpommel's Land - Grobschnitt

Ten Silver Drops - Secret Machines

Tio Bitar - Dungen

Want One - Rufus Wainwright

[If I had listened to this last album prior to Jan 1st 2010 (The Year We Make Contact), it would have been on my Top Ten List.]

Allow me to mention a few a lot of the recent groups I've been listening to that are worth your time (some of them you will certainly recognize):

Damon Albarn, Amon Düül II, Belle and Sebastian, Blur, David Byrne, Camel, The Can, Nick Cave, Crowded House, Ry Cooder, Deep Purple, Nick Drake, Dungen, Brian Eno, Faust, Gentle Giant, Grant Lee Buffalo, Grobschnitt, The Hives, The Lemonheads, MGMT, Mudhoney, Neu!, The Pixies, Lou Reed, Screaming Trees, Secret Machines, The Stooges, Talking Heads, Uriah Heep, Violent Femmes, Rufus Wainwright, Wire

The Top 50 Albums I Listened To This Year

The Top Ten

Brainwashed - George Harrison

Demon Days - Gorillaz

Fear of Music - Talking Heads

Five Leaves Left - Nick Drake

A Ghost is Born - Wilco

The Good, the Bad, and the Queen

I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got - Sinéad O'Connor

Low - David Bowie

Their Satanic Majesties Request - The Rolling Stones

Transformer - Lou Reed



The Other 40

Absolutely Free – Frank Zappa

Absolution - Muse

Acquiring the Taste – Gentle Giant

The Basement Tapes - Bob Dylan and the Band

Billion Dollar Babies - Alice Cooper

The Black and White Album – The Hives

Blur - Blur

Bringing It All Back Home – Bob Dylan

Chávez Ravine – Ry Cooder

Dear Catastrophe Waitress - Belle and Sebastian

Desire – Bob Dylan

Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! – Nick Cave

Dust - Screaming Trees

Everything That Happens Will Happen Today - Brian Eno and David Byrne

Gasoline Alley - Rod Stewart

Gaucho - Steely Dan

Good God’s Urge – Poro for Pyros

The Grand Wazoo - Frank Zappa

Greatest Hits - Blondie

Greatest Hits – Duran Duran

H.A.A.R.P. Lively from Wembley - Muse

Hampton Comes Alive - Phish

In the Court of the Crimson King - King Crimson

It Is Time For a Love Revolution – Lenny Kravitz

Journey to the Center of the Earth - Rick Wakeman

Live at Madison Square Garden New Year’s Eve 1995 - Phish

Live Frogs Set 2 - Les Claypool

Loaded - The Velvet Underground

Music from Big Pink - The Band

Mystery White Boy, Live ’95-’96 – Jeff Buckley

A Night at the Opera - Queen

Pink Flag - Wire

Raw Power - The Stooges

Reload - Metallica

Remain in Light - Talking Heads

Rust Never Sleeps - Neil Young

Seal (1994) - Seal

Speaking in Tongues – Talking Heads

Time on Earth - Crowded House

Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes

THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE

When we speak of “worst movies ever made” we usually refer to three types of films:

1) A film for which the production and marketing costs greatly exceeded the revenue retained by the movie studio, i.e., it didn’t make squash at the box office.

2) A big-billed film with all the necessary ingredients that make a great film (director, cast, producers, studio, special FX, screenplay, sweeping music score, big budget, and marketing) except one: entertainment.

3) A film that is so ghastly ... (shudder), (cringe), and (“I’d walk out of that movie on an airplane!”)

This is the general groupings that I’ve maintained for my collection. And, of course, some of these films fulfill two or more of the three types. Granted not everyone will agree with all of my choices, but most will agree with most of my choices.

Some of these films I only saw by watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 abbreviated MST3K. These films will be noted by the following: [MST3K]

However, there are a few films on this list which I have seen and which are generally considered to be bad for one reason or other, but which I believe are really great. Naturally, I shall point these out.

1941 – Steven Spielberg’s contribution to the end of New Hollywood.

3000 Miles to Graceland – All I say is that it stars Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell, thus the title speaks for itself. ... Soundtrack by Paul Simon.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen – This is a fabulous film beset with disasters from day one. It nearly ruined Terry Gilliam’s film career and became the second in a long line of unfortunate film troubles. But The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus comes out Christmas Day!!!

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – I only saw one scene. Woof.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash – Texas Ranger

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert – I have the lunch box!

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn – Irony upon irony upon irony ...

Alexander – "Beware of windfallen apples and of men whose eyebrows meet".

All the King's Men – Michael Medved: a "pointless, pretentious, plodding period-piece" of ...

Alone in the Dark – A Video Game with Christian Slater.

Antichrist – Now William Dafoe has played Christ and Anti-Christ.

Are You Being Served?: The Movie – I love the TV show too much to ever watch the film.

Armageddon – Why did Bruce Willis have to die? Why is it never Ben Affleck?

Around the World in 80 Days (2004) – The last step in Arnold's diabolical plan to become governor of Calli-furn-ya

The Avengers – Montezuma’s Avenge

Baby Geniuses – Well, at least no one wanted to make a sequel.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever – With a name like that, how could they have failed?

B*A*P*S – I knew when I watch The Flintstone Movie and saw Halle Berry play a character named “Sharon Stone” that no good was to come from this “actress”. This film confirmed it.

Barb Wire – It’s not just Pamela Anderson in an action movie ... it’s a remake of Casablanca. I swear!

Basic Instinct – The film that made Sharon Stone ... whatever.

Basic Instinct 2 – Like I’d ever want to watch this.

Batman and Robin – I probably must thank this film for ending my desire to watch any film I knew wasn’t good. Every line was a bad pun or cliché. How is it that these actors can read a script and not realize that the film is going to be absolutely gawdawful?

Battlefield Earth - “If John Travolta can fly an airplane, how hard can it be?” – Barry B. Benson, Bee Movie

The Blue Bird (1976) – Even Shirley Temple’s version of 1940 wasn’t as bad as this.

The Blue Lagoon – Bad movie, appropriate title.

Blue Velvet – I saw this one in college. Cult classic or not, this was bad.

Boat Trip - [Unspeakable]

Body of Evidence – William Dafoe AND Madonna

The Bonfire of the Vanities - Sorry, but Tom Wolfe is not a great or even a good writer.

Boom! – One of several films that feature Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton yelling at each other.

Bride Wars – I saw this one just recently. They worked really hard to make this premise plausible.

The Brown Bunny - [Unspeakable]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – The title was so bad, I just had to see it.

Caddyshack II - If Caddyshack is the greatest movie about golf, then Caddyshack II is the worst movie about golf. ... Was it about golf?

Cain and Mabel – A film with (and for) William Randolph Hearst’s mistress, Marion Davies. The tragedy of the matter is that Davis was a brilliant comedianne (see Show People, an extremely funny movie) but Hearst wanted her to be a dramatic actress.

Caligula - John Gielgud, Peter O'Toole, Malcolm McDowell, and Helen Mirren. Oops!

Caligula II – You’ll never know.

The Cannonball Run I-II – Essentially, the first film was a remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. The sequel dares to venture further down the spiral.

Can’t Stop the Music – Try.

Car 54, Where Are You? – Killed re-runs of that TV Show for a generation.

Casino Royale (1967) – This film is an utter disaster in every sense of the word. A complete mess of actors, directors, producers, scripts, lawsuits, editing ... characters come and go, the actors playing them come and go, plots stop and start, characters' accents and mannerisms stop and start, there are the most glaring plot holes and plot jumps that you will ever see. This is not so much of a train wreck but a herd of 100 car trains falling off the Empire State building like lemmings ... and I love every minute of it! I really love this movie. It works in ways that it couldn’t possibly ever really work. I highly recommend reading up on what occurred with this film.

The Cat in the Hat – Tremendously bad.

Cat Woman – It has Halle Berry (who previously played a character named “Sharon Stone”) in a movie with (the “real”?) Sharon Stone. I bet both Michelle Pfeiffer and Sean Young were wiping their foreheads in relief over this one.

Catalina Caper [MST3K] – Post-Disney Tommy Kirk: How bad could it be?

Chairman of the Board – See here

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle – Demi Returns ... to form.

Cleopatra – Tamara Dobson, Antonio Fargas, and Rex Harrison were great!

Clerks I and II – Why can’t ALL his characters be Silent?

Color of Night – Still beats Body of Evidence

The Conqueror – John Wayne as Genghis Khan ... I swear.

Cool as Ice – Dumb, dumb, dumb, ditty-dee, dumb, dumb.

Cop and a Half – “Fellini’s Cop a Half”

The Crawling Hand [MST3K] – The film gave me the creeps.

The Creeping Terror [MST3K] – The film gave me the crawls.

Critters 2: The Main Course – Pass me a bucket.

Crossroads – Crucify me.

Curse of the Pink Panther (Inspector Clouseau, Trail of the Pink Panther, Son of the Pink Panther, The Pink Panther, The Pink Panther 2) – The Curse is that no one but Peter Sellers can play Inspector Clouseau. But, darn it, they do try, don’t they?

Cutthroat Island – Cut it now.

Daddy Day Care – Eddie Murphy Strikes.

Demolition Man – A friend dragged me to see this film. Sylvester Stallone AND Sandra Bullock.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo – It has Rob Schneider ... how could it have been bad?

Dirty Dancing – I don’t care if Patrick Swayze has past on; I knew in 1987 what most of us know now: the is a bad movie.

Dirty Love - [Unspeakable]

Doctor Dolittle (1967) - My favorite line: "When you say 'He can speak crab and pelican', they'll say 'Like hell he can!'"

Dr. Dolittle I-V – Eddie Murphy Strikes Again.

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde – Keep hyding ... keep counting.

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas – Not nearly as bad as The Cat in the Hat but still ...

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd - See Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla

Dune – Sorry, but I really love this film. It is convoluted, odd, violent, gory, bizarre, and made by David Lynch but I still really, really love it. Yes, it is long, but I watched the 5 hour version on a bootlegged copy in college.

Eegah [MST3K] – “Watch out for snakes."

The English Patient – On Seinfeld, the character of Elaine Benes is forced to sit through this film because of a boyfriend and her job. I set through it because of a girlfriend. She wasn’t worth it.

Evan Almighty - Richard Roeper in his review of the film commended Jim Carrey for not reprising his role in "three of the worst sequels of all time", which included Dumb and Dumberer, Son of the Mask, and Evan Almighty.

Exit to Eden – There wasn’t that much nudity in Eden.

Fair Game – Next time ... cheat.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off – I don’t care who knows it – this movie was bad. There, I’ve said it and I meant it.

Flash Gordon – My theory is that Queen forgot that they were asked to submit an idea for theme music to this film and had to make it up on the way to the meeting: “Flash ... Ah-hah!”

Freddy Got Fingered – [Unspeakable]

From Justin to Kelly – I am happy that Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini are both Christians. See Showgirls below.

Ghost – No comment.

Gigli – Bennifer I

Give My Regards to Broad Street – Square.

Glen or Glenda – Today Ed Wood wouldn’t have to make a choice.

Glitter – Obviously not gold.

The Goonies – Here is another 1980s icon I feel the need to shatter. This movie was bad. There, I’ve said it and I really, really meant it.

Grease 2 – The only reason the original Grease film isn’t on this list is that I do like the title song "Grease" (written by Barry Gibb and sung by Frankie Valli) and “Beauty School Dropout” (sung by Frankie Avalon).

The Greatest Story Ever Told – Best Line in the Movie, spoken by the Centurion played by John Wayne: “Truly this man was the son of God.” (You have to read the line as Wayne would have said it.)

Grindhouse – It has been hard to sit by for 17 years and hear some of my friends, peers, colleagues, and favorite artists and critics gush out praise for Quentin Tarantino and his films. Granted since the early 1970s, much of Hollywood has been run by 14 year old boys but many of those Boomers have matured – Tarantino is an Xer and shows no sign of finishing puberty – if anything he is regressing!

This film was the first significant crack in the Tarantino corpus to be noticeable by anyone other myself. Dismal. Granted, the rest of his work is bad (Yes, Pulp Fiction isn’t good), but now everyone could see it ... or, rather, didn’t want to see it.

I mean, look at how many gawdawful films John Travolta has made since 1994. Quentin Tarantino is responsible for that.

The Haunted Mansion – The scene in the crypt should have gotten the film a PG-13 at the very least.

Heaven’s Gate – Once the Citizen Kane of Box Office Bombs ... but Kevin Costner was soon to come.

Hercules in New York (originally known as Hercules Goes Bananas) – The first step in Arnold's diabolical plan to become governor of Calli-furn-ya.

Hercules Unchained [MST3K] – A great movie to make fun of.

Hobglobins [MST3K] – I can usually stomach a bad film on MST3K if the humor is good - not this one! They warned the audience that this one was REALLY bad ... no more than 20 minutes and we changed the channel.

The Horn Blows at Midnight – Here is an old film starring Jack Benny. A notable bomb that Benny’s TV scriptwriters used as a punch line for many more decades. I don’t think any film disaster was ever so profitable for its star. 30 minutes in was more than I could stand.

Howard the Duck – Dead duck.

Hudson Hawk – Dead Hawk.

I Know Who Killed Me – Now how about your career?

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale – In the Name of God: Stop making films, Uwe!

Inchon! – Made the War in the Pacific look like a Mass Wedding.

Independence Day – A film by Michael Bay. This isn’t the worst film ever made but only because Michael Bay has made other films.

Inspector Gadget – Would you believe that he missed it by that much?

Ishtar – and Ishfeather them

It’s Pat – It’s ______!

Jaws: The Revenge – The Sharks vendetta against the film franchise.

Jersey Girl - Bennifer II

Joe Dirt – Joe ______!

John Waters Films - Saves time just grouping them together.

Judge Dredd – How does the man do it?

Junior - Ebert and his partner Gene Siskel gave the movie "two thumbs up" on their TV show. No one is perfect.

Kazaam – Kablooey.

King Kong Lives – Sort of a trial run for Linda Hamilton’s role on Beauty and the Beast.

Kolberg – Why win WWII when you can make a film about defeating the French in 1807.

The Land Before Time I-XIV – Make Time STOP!!!

Last Action Hero – It’s a comedy and a satire on action movies. If you understand that, the film is not too bad.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen – They were watching this movie at the guy’s dorm at seminary. There is nothing more thrilling than a high speed chase through the STREETS of Venice.

Leonard Part 6 - “Hey, hey, hey, it’s a Fat Failure!”

Little Buddha – In college, my poetry professor came to class one morning complaining that Keanu Reeves gave the worst acting performance of any star actor that he had ever witnessed. Obviously, my professor had not yet seen Keanu Reeves in Much Ado About Nothing, Johnny Mnemonic, Feeling Minnesota, The Devil's Advocate, etc.

Little Man – Next the Wayans Brothers will do a film version of “One Froggy Evening”

Little Nicky – Adam Sandler makes so many bad movies, when someone else makes a bad movie Sandler gets a royalty!

The Love Guru – “Ka-ching, ka-ching!” quoth Mr. Sandler

Mac and Me – And the French version: “Royale with Cheese and Me”

Mallrats – It’s like Dawn of the Dead but with less brains and worse acting.

Manos: The Hands of Fate [MST3K] – Best to give this one the Finger of Fate.

The Master of Disguise – Turtle, turtle, turtle ... ? I don’t get it.

Masters of The Universe – If you don’t have the budget, don’t make the film.

The Matrix II (aside from the amazingly choreographed fight scene between Neo and the Mutiple Mr. Smiths) and The Matrix III - You all know it's true - you just have to have the courage to admit it.

Meet Dave – Meet Norbit.

Mitchell [MST3K] – One of my favorite MST3K episodes.

Mohammad: Messenger of God – Shiite.

Monster A Go-Go – It could have been worse.

Monster’s Ball – Halle Berry is a bad actress. Yes, she got the Oscar for this, but Jamie Foxx won an Oscar and he portrayed Wanda Wayne on In Living Color. How did he beat Don Cheadle for Hotel Rwanda?

Myra Breckinridge – Sorry, but Gore Vidal is not a great or even a good writer.

The NeverEnding Story II-III – Aptly named.

Norbit – Dave.

North – Here is Roger Ebert’s Famous Review:

"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."

Nothing But Trouble – Dan Aykroyd got the idea after being pulled over for speeding in North Carolina. ... Same to you, buddy!

Oh, God (1977), Oh, God! Book II (1980) and Oh, God! You Devil (1984) – It’s going to be difficult to explain the 1980s fascination and stardom of George Burns to future generations.

The Only Game in Town - In his review in the New York Times, Vincent Canby called it “a phenomenological disaster”.

Octopussy – The “Tarzan Yell” was to the James Bond franchise what Darth Vader’s “No!” in Revenge of the Sith was to the Star Wars franchise.

Pearl Harbor – Yes, Monster A Go-Go could have been worse.

The Pirate Movie – This film plus Cutthroat Island is what doomed movies about Pirates until Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End – And now we are back to the time of The Pirate Movie and Cutthroat Island. What happened? Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest was one of the best action and adventure films I’ve ever seen. Aside from the scenes in Davy Jone’s Locker [the Multiple Jack Sparrow-sequence which I could have watched for hours], this movie was a complete mess. What happened?

Plan 9 from Outer Space – Ed Wood made bad movies because he had no money. What excuse does Michael Bay have?

Planet of the Apes (2001) – “Oh my Gosh. A remake. A remake. After all this time, he made a ... He finally really did it. You Maniac! You blew it up! Ah, darn you! Gosh darn you, Tim Burton, to Sheol!!”

Popeye – The only two people who appear to like this movie is Roger Ebert and myself. I love it! I’ve actually thought long and hard about why people do not like this movie and have reached a conclusion. Anyone who wants to know can email me.

The Poseidon Adventure (1972), (1979), (2005), and (2006) – They were all bad. Try and understand: disaster movies are ALL bad. All of them. And Michael Bay is a horrible director.

The Postman – Kevin Costner always makes bad films twice.

Problem Child - [Unspeakable]

Queen of the Damned – Ann Rice is now a Christian. See Showgirls below.

Raise the Titanic – Plot overboard!

Rambo I-IV – Vietnam wasn’t this bad.

Rat Race – Yet another remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

The Real Cancun – The first (and so far last) film by the makers of MTV’s The Real World. They are the primary ones to blame for reality shows. A bunch of college graduates who live in a multi-million dollar apartment with disposable income and no jobs. Real world ...

Rhinestone – Sylvester Stallone isn’t human!! How can he survive?!!

Robot Monster – I preferred Monster Robot.

The Rocketeer – A big box office disappointment but not really a bad movie

Rocky I-VI – Why won’t he stop?!!

Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma – Don’t even ask. A 2000 poll of critics conducted by the The Village Voice named it the 89th greatest film of the 20th century. But then The Village Voice would, wouldn’t they?

Santa Claus Conquerors the Martians – Well, then tell them to conqueror back!

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause – I was forced to sit through this one in a theatre. What is the point of being an adult if you’re still forced to watch nonsense like this?

Scary Movie – [Unspeakable]

Scipio Africanus – He could make the trains run on time but Mussolini wasn’t a very good film producer. Stick to your day job of invading Abyssinia.

Scooby-Doo I-II – Don’t.

Sextette – Mae West eventually became a Christian late in life. See Showgirls below.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – It came out the same year as Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. Coincidence?

Shanghai Surprise – Madonna made more movies after this one. Surprise!

Showgirls – Man, I am glad Joe Eszterhas became a Christian a few years ago because with Basic Instinct, Sliver, Alan Smithee, and this film … I wouldn’t have worried about “development hell”.

The Sidehackers [MST3K] – A mighty big thorn.

Ski Hard – Don’t ask. Skip down to Sliver.

Sliver – On second though, go back to Ski Hard.

Smokey and the Bandit I-III – They made THREE of them!

Soldier - The film was critically panned, in part due to the lackluster dialogue that had Kurt Russell speaking only 79 words over the course of the 99 minute movie

Son of the Mask – Here is a Rule of Thumb when dining out: the commercial, the advertisement, and the picture on the menu will always look better than the actual item on your plate. This Rule of Thumb extends to Movie Previews on television and in the theatre itself. A movie preview shown at a movie theatre will always be worse than the actual movie. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE WORST FILMS EVER!!!

A Sound of Thunder – Most will never hear of this film and even fewer will ever see this major film failure.

The Specialist – If Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone are the worst actor and actress of their generation (and I think they are) then this film was really something special.

Speed 2: Cruise Control – Even Keanu Reeves stayed away from this one. See Speed 3 instead

Speed Racer – Go, Speed Racer, and don’t come back.

Spice World – Puppy dog tails.

The Spirit – Slay me.

The Story of Mankind – Just a waste of fine talent.

Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over - Well said.

Starship Troopers – I never knew how bad a film could be … I probably must thank this film for ending my desire to watch any film I knew wasn’t good.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier – The finest film William Shatner ever directed.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - PROVE

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones - ME

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith - WRONG

Staying Alive – Kill Me

Stop or My Mom Will Shoot – I’m not stopping.

Striptease – Demi Moore AND Burt Reynolds ... how could they fail?

Stuart Saves His Family – The man is in the Senate!

The Stupids – Duh.

SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 – Good God, they did make a sequel! Aaaaahhh!

Supergirl – It was better than Cat Woman but that wasn’t too hard.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace – And that was the end of the Superman francise.

Swept Away – And yet Madonna continues to come back again and again.

Swordfish – Did you see Halle Berry promote this movie at the MTV Movie Awards in 2001?

Even Cowgirls Get the Blues – It’s a film based on a book by Tom Robbins … who would expect it to be any good?

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar – Woof!

Town and Country - It holds the record for the largest absolute loss (movie budget minus box-office intake) on a movie.

Transformers – I had the toys and watched the show when I was a kid and I still couldn’t figure out what was going on.

Transformers 2 – “Worst of the Decade” they are saying. And the Razzie goes to ...

Troll 2 – There are no trolls in the movie.

The Tuxedo – Unfortunately, there is a tuxedo in the movie.

Two of a Kind – Fold.

Underwater! – Better to be sprinkled next time.

View to a Kill – The theme song by Duran Duran was nice. ... You’ll notice that Timothy Dalton Bong films escaped this list. Too obvious.

Water World – The only movie I ever went to see because I felt sorry for the filmmaker.

Weekend at Bernies 2 – I’m only glad I didn’t see the first one. By the way, how did he die?

White Chicks – Rob Schneider, eat your heart out.

Who's Your Caddy? – Who would've thought Caddyshack 2 would ever be topped?

Wild Wild West – I loathe steampunk.

Xanadu – X marks the spot, so watch where you step. Woof.


Worst Directors

Michael Bay
Uwe Boll
Kevin Costner
Kevin Smith
Lars von Trier
Paul Verhoeven
John Waters
Ed Wood


Worst Actors, Actresses, and Rob Schneider

Ben Affleck
Halle Berry
Sandra Bullock
Kevin Costner
Timothy Dalton
Willem Dafoe
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Madonna
Demi Moore
Eddie Murphy
Keanu Reeves
Burt Reynolds
Kurt Russell
Rob Schneider
Sylvester Stallone
Sharon Stone
Arnold Swarzenegger
John Travolta
The Wayans Brothers

Oxford, Inspector Lewis, and Crime

I have been enjoying watching the first three series of Inspector Lewis on PBS.

British mysteries are almost always good, as is this one, and, filmed in Oxford, I enjoy seeing places I saw while I was there.

However, I am not sure if I would want to live there for any extended period of time.

What I've gathered from watching the show is that the town of Oxford has more murders than Detroit and half the professors there are the murders. The other half engage in fraud and sexual deviancy.

Which is probably why the university produces so many national leaders and international terrorists.

I'm not going to tell you which belong to the murderers and which belong to the fradulent and which belong sexually devious.

BTW - if you are ever looking for a pub to enjoy ... be wary of the ones that have a rainbow flag out front.

Heath Ledger's Final Film, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Is As Good As You Imagined

"Yep, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is enchanting."

C. Robert Cargill, Sep 30, 2009

Terry Gilliam is back. Whatever dark place he was spirited away to after the collapse and failure of of his now infamous Don Quixote movie has clearly passed and he has returned to us. It appeared that the fates had conspired to stop him once again, this time by robbing him (and us) of Heath Ledger midway through shooting. Fortunately for him, however, the film they were making together was a dark fantasy film and Ledger had shot all the requisite scenes needed to finish with other actors standing in for him "beyond the mirror." The result is nothing short of a modern masterpiece that has already divided audiences, some finding it disappointing while others -- myself and my wife included -- were completely enchanted, in love and wanting to see it again.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is the story of an immortal man with something of a gambling addiction. Doctor Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), a man centuries old, once made a deal with the devil ... and won, gaining immortality. But over time the Devil has offered him a number of deals and wagers -- wagers he finds very hard to resist. After ending up on the losing end of a deal, Parnassus finds himself three days away from losing his 16-year-old daughter's soul to the Devil (legendary guttural crooner and sometimes actor Tom Waits). So when the Devil offers him a chance to win back his daughter's soul, he jumps at the deal. The wager? First to win five souls in the doctor's wondrous imaginarium.

But just when things seem unwinnable, a mysterious stranger shows up who may or may not be able to help Parnassus win back the soul of his daughter. That stranger? Heath Ledger.

Ledger died midway through the shooting of this film, potentially dooming it to extinction -- but fortunately he had shot virtually everything that occurs outside of the mirror in the real world. And in an odd twist of fate -- as in completely unintentional -- Ledger happened to be wearing a mask of some sort every time he stepped through. This allowed Gilliam to tweak the story a little, having the imaginarium change Ledger's appearance to fit with the wild world beyond the mirror. Taking Ledger's place, and doing their best to give their loving farewell renditions to Ledger are none other than Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell. Each is masterful in their performance, with the audience fully invested in each different (and lets face it, iconic) actor as the same character that we've been following. In fact, you kind of forget that you're looking at these wonderful actors and simply buy them as Tony, as if Ledger had somehow crawled inside the skin of these very recognizable men. Also appearing in the film is a young unknown (and stunningly beautiful) Lily Cole and very well known Verne Troyer, who gives quite possibly the best performance of his career.

The film is one of Gilliam's masterpieces, a complicated, fantastic, and mind-bending fantasy film unlike anything you've ever seen. Unlike Gilliam's darker pieces, this is more akin to his work on The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Time Bandits, and Jabberwocky, but it is better than all three of these films. This is everything I love about Gilliam distilled into a single, perfect fairy tale. It's not simple, nor is it for everyone. But it is a marvelous, imaginative piece of fiction that will transport you into Gilliam's mind for two solid hours. This comes highly recommended and is a must for any and all Ledger fans out there. A perfect send-off for an incredible lost talent, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus opens in U.S. theaters on Christmas Day.

"Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict"

Aye an a bit o' mackerel, fiddler, rack and fear, And I rutted down by the hade and the furrow. Well, I slipped me in a flop and hit down and I shied, and I cried, cried, cried. The fear of fallin' down aft' taken, never back to rise and then cried Mary and I tucked up Wi' a Claymore out and about, and I run down, down the mechyn sty and back on fiery hore that was fallin' around the feet. "Never!" I cried! "Never shall ye get me alive ya rotten hound of the Burnie Brae." Well, I snapped for a blade and a Claymore cut and thrust and I fell down before him 'round his feet. "Aye!" a roar he cried. Frae the bottom of his heart that I would nay fall but dead, dead as a can by a feat deah... and the wind cried Mary, Thank you.

You're Bob Dylan? NJ police want to see some ID

Aug 14, 8:49 PM (ET)

By WAYNE PARRY

Rock legend Bob Dylan was treated like a complete unknown by police in a New Jersey shore community when a resident called to report someone wandering around the neighborhood.

Dylan was in Long Branch, about a two-hour drive south of New York City, on July 23 as part of a tour with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp that was to play at a baseball stadium in nearby Lakewood.

A 24-year-old police officer apparently was unaware of who Dylan is and asked him for identification, Long Branch business administrator Howard Woolley said Friday.

"I don't think she was familiar with his entire body of work," Woolley said.

The incident began at 5 p.m. when a resident said a man was wandering around a low-income, predominantly minority neighborhood several blocks from the oceanfront looking at houses.

The police officer drove up to Dylan, who was wearing a blue jacket, and asked him his name. According to Woolley, the following exchange ensued:

"What is your name, sir?" the officer asked.

"Bob Dylan," Dylan said.

"OK, what are you doing here?" the officer asked.

"I'm on tour," the singer replied.

A second officer, also in his 20s, responded to assist the first officer. He, too, apparently was unfamiliar with Dylan, Woolley said.

The officers asked Dylan for identification. The singer of such classics as "Like a Rolling Stone" and "Blowin' in the Wind" said that he didn't have any ID with him, that he was just walking around looking at houses to pass some time before that night's show.

The officers asked Dylan, 68, to accompany them back to the Ocean Place Resort and Spa, where the performers were staying. Once there, tour staff vouched for Dylan.

The officers thanked him for his cooperation.

"He couldn't have been any nicer to them," Woolley added.

How did it feel? A Dylan publicist did not immediately return a telephone call seeking comment Friday.


First Cop: "What is your name, sir?" the officer asked.

Dylan: "Bob Dylan," Dylan said.

First Cop: "Do you have any identification to that effect?"

Dylan: "Right here."

First Cop: "Hmm ... it says here: 'Robert Alan Zimmerman.'"

Dylan: "Bob Dylan is my public name; Zimmerman is my birth name."

First Cop: "Right. Better call this one in."

Second Cop: "We'll do."

First Cop: "OK, what are you doing here?"

Dylan: "I'm on tour."

First Cop: "Tour? What kind of tour? This is New Jersey?"

Dylan: "A music tour. Rock and folk. A bit of blues and country western. I'm playing at the baseball stadium in Lakewood with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp."

First Cop: "Right."

Dylan: "It's part of my Never Ending Tour."

First Cop: "Right. Never Ending. You travel around a lot. Something of a drifter, are you?"

Second Cop: "Got it. Yes, he's Bob Dylan, alias Robert Zimmerman ... "

First Cop: "Alias?"

Second Cop: "... alias Elmer Johnson, alias Robert Milkwood Thomas, alias Tedham Porterhouse, alias Elston Gunnn [three "Ns"], Blind Boy Grunt, Lucky Wilbury/Boo Wilbury, Sergei Petrov, Jack Frost, Jack Fate, Willow Scarlet, Arthur Rimbaud, Robbie Clark, Billy the Kid, Woody Guthrie, Jude Quinn, Jack Rollins, and alias Pastor John."

First Cop: "Woody Guthrie? Do you have a son named Arlo?"

Dylan: "No."

First Cop: "Have you ever been to Great Barrington, Massachusetts?"

Dylan: "Possibly."

Second Cop: "I think we better take him in for questioning, Officer Obie."

First Cop: "Agreed."

Soundgarden’s Van

This weekend I visited a museum and saw Soundgarden’s van from the late 1980s: a 1986 Chevy Beauville G10. Lots of scratches and dents.

A number of stickers on the back windows: Thrasher, Mudhoney, Corrosion of Conformity, Sonic Youth (from the EVOl album), Social Distortion, Tendencies, Metallica [with an “80” sticker just above it], and (--------) Surfers [the first part of the name had been torn off the window]. And on one of the right side windows: Melvins.

Also, on the dashboard of the passenger’s side was a phrase in white paint that looked like it had daubed on by someone’s finger [Chris Cornell?]. The only part of the phrased I could see was the first word: “Kill”

Pretty cool!

TRANSUBSTANTIATING THE CULTURE: ANDY WARHOL'S SECRET

[Andy Warhol: Closet Christian]

More than one seemingly religious person's secret sins have been exposed at their death; Warhol's secrets were that he went to church and served at a soup kitchen.

By James Romaine

"The works of our century are the mirrors of our predicament produced by some of the most sensitive minds of our time. In the light of our predicament we must look at the works of contemporary art, and conversely, in the light of contemporary art we must look at our predicament."

- Paul Tillich in "Each Period Has Its Peculiar Image of Man"

In his final self-portrait, Andy Warhol's gaze is both perplexed and perplexing. Like the artist, everything about this work is suspended in a haze of mystery. Warhol probably had no expectation that this would be his final self-reflection, yet it's hard to imagine him treating himself differently even if he had known.

Warhol treated everything the same. Cool detachment was as much a trademark for Warhol as Campbell's was for soup. Warhol's coolness has often been read as cynicism, and it did involve a degree of distance, but only out of a perceived need for self-protection. The seeming contradiction of Warhol's Self-portrait, and indeed all of his work, is that he expresses himself without revealing anything about himself; he is at once alienated and self-alienating.

There is scarcely a person in America whose life has not been affected—whether or not they know it—by the way Warhol transformed our understanding of our culture. Certainly there is no serious artist working today who has not been influenced by Warhol's conversion of the banal world of consumer culture into the sacred realm of art. We see ourselves and our world reflected in the mirror of Warhol's art, but the image has still not come into full focus. By the time he painted this last Self-portrait, Warhol had become the most famous artist in the world; but more than a decade later his art remains enigmatic.

Warhol began his career in New York as an illustrator of women's footwear, under his real name, Andrew Warhola. The darling of magazine editors, Warhol acquired the nickname "Candy Andy." Perceptions of Warhol today have not changed much since then.

We may think of sex and drugs (two things Warhol mostly abstained from) or fame and fortune (two things Warhol abounded in) as Andy's candies. Yet Warhol's persona, with his fast parties and white wigs, differed greatly from the private identity he both concealed and revealed in his art. Sly as a fox, Warhol played dumb with comments meant to set us off track, such as, "If you want to know about Andy Warhol, just look at the surfaces of my paintings and films and me, and there I am. There's nothing behind it."

There is, in fact, a great deal concealed beneath the surface of Warhol's art. The surfaces of his works appear to be mechanical -- an appearance Warhol emphasized by calling his studio "the Factory" and claiming to make art that could be done by anyone. The smooth veneer of silk-screening not only created a mechanical appearance, but his practice of reproducing already-reproduced images published in magazines and newspapers allowed Warhol to increase the degrees of separation between himself and his subjects.

Nevertheless, Warhol continued to use imagery that had personal significance to him. Many of these images were spiritual ones, influenced by the Catholicism that permeates Warhol's art. Despite reports that he went to church almost daily, some doubt the credibility of Warhol's faith and even consider his work anti-Christian. Warhol's life was, admittedly, filled with contradictions. He was always trying to protect his true intentions, especially regarding his Catholicism. Many of Warhol's friends did not know of his religious life until after his death.

More than one seemingly religious person's secret sins have been exposed at their death; Warhol's secrets were that he went to church and served at a soup kitchen. In his eulogy for Warhol, John Richardson outed him from the confessional when he said:

I'd like to recall a side of his character that he hid from all but his closest friends; his spiritual side. Those of you who knew him in circumstances that were the antithesis of spiritual may be surprised that such a side existed. But exist it did, and it's key to the artist's psyche. Although Andy was perceived—with some justice—as a passive observer who never imposed his beliefs on other people, he could on occasion be an effective proselytizer. To my certain knowledge, he was responsible for at least one conversion. He took considerable pride in financing his nephew's studies for the priesthood. And he regularly helped out at a shelter serving meals to the homeless and hungry. Trust Andy to have kept these activities in the dark. The knowledge of this secret piety inevitably changes our perception of an artist who fooled the world into believing that his only obsessions were money, fame, glamour, and that he could be cool to the point of callousness. Never take Andy at face value....

With family roots in Byzantine-Slavic Catholicism, Warhol kept a homemade altar with a crucifix and well-worn prayer book beside his bed. He frequently visited Saint Vincent Ferrer's Church on Lexington Avenue. The pastor of Saint Vincent's confirmed that Warhol visited the church almost daily. He would come in mid-afternoon, light a candle, and pray for fifteen minutes, sometimes making use of the intimacy of the private chapels. The pastor described Warhol as intensely shy and private, especially regarding his religion. Warhol's brother has characterized him as "really religious, but he didn't want people to know about that because [it was] private." For someone so bent on self-protection, Warhol's efforts to keep his religious life a secret may indicate just how important his faith was to him.

Do these religious revelations offer insight into Warhol's art? They do; perhaps more than has yet been appreciated by either the art or Christian worlds. Warhol's consumer imagery at first seems obsessed with the external world of contemporary culture to the exclusion of the internal life of faith. But there is also a persistent longing for something more, a hunger that is evident in the last Self-portrait and, most famously, in those cans of Campbell's soup.

In order to see this religious dimension, we must regain our sense of the sacramental—the use of material things as vehicles for encountering the divine and enabling eternity to break into time and space. Warhol's pop art, often criticized as mere regurgitation of advertising, actually displaces images from their original context in the commercial world, transporting them to the realm of art, collapsing the distance between the two, and creating new associations and meanings.

The Campbell's soup can, one of Warhol's most famous motifs, thus becomes another self-portrait of the artist. The can, like Warhol's public persona, is cool, metallic, machine-made, impenetrable, a mirror of its surroundings. These qualities, superficial though they are, nevertheless seduce the eye.

But what completes this self-portrait are the can's contents; they should be the most significant part, but actually have very little in common with the can's exterior. Soup, a warm source of nourishment, is a sensitive element that will not survive long outside of a protective container. Hidden beneath supermarket imagery, Warhol's faith is sealed for protection.

While carefully keeping himself secure inside, Warhol succeeded in making everyone believe that the soup can should be the focus of attention. Some have become enraptured by their own reflection on its metallic surface. Others have complained that Warhol and his art are hollow. Very few have attempted to open the can and find out what's inside.

Warhol's creative gift was an ability to bring subjects into spiritual equilibrium. He treated ultra-glamorous movie stars and anonymous police arrest photos with the same combination of contempt and envy. Warhol used consumer items more than just as mirrors of his time.

What seems to have attracted him to Coca-Cola bottles and Campbell's soup cans, as in 200 Campbell's Soup Cans, was a sense of comfort, belonging, and equality.

Warhol admitted that one reason he was attracted to the imagery of Campbell's soup was that he had eaten Campbell's soup nearly every day as a boy. Soup, of course, is a nearly global icon of home, but Campbell's is a distinctly American icon.

For Warhol, growing up in a poor immigrant family struggling to find its place in a new homeland, Campbell's soup probably offered a reassuring sense of belonging.

Warhol loved mass consumer imagery because of its equilibrating powers. "Coke is Coke," he once said, "and no matter how rich you are you can't get a better one than the one the homeless woman on the corner is drinking."

Living in New York City, Warhol undoubtedly experienced the way cities have of exaggerating the distance between wealth and poverty even while juxtaposing them. Perhaps reinforced by the piety and poverty of his childhood, Warhol may have looked forward to the equality of heaven, with the mechanical nature of his work forecasting an eternal destiny.

Warhol's strategy of representing heaven by repeated images has been linked to Byzantine icons, which limit individual creativity in favor of a standardized form. Warhol's work has a certain hypnotic rhythm, not unlike the rosary. This repetition also suggests that the image could extend infinitely, giving us a glimpse into eternity through everyday reality.

200 Campbell's Soup Cans celebrates more than social egalitarianism. But in a critique of America's emergent consumer religion, 200 Campbell's Soup Cans also joins a long artistic tradition of vanitas images, in which lavish displays of wealth are offset by reminders of life's fleeting nature and the inevitable final judgment.

Warhol's references to religious themes increased throughout his career, culminating in his most overtly religious and plainly sacramental works, patterned after Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper. Warhol made more than one hundred works based on Leonardo's image, but until recently these works received very little attention.

Many things may have drawn Warhol to the Last Supper, including the fact that Warhol's own art often dealt with food as a symbol of heaven.

Warhol's Catholicism asserted the miracle of transubstantiation, in which food—bread and wine—becomes a heavenly substance. Warhol may have accessed Leonardo's imagery to set himself within a certain tradition of religious art.

Leonardo brought out the classical and realist artist in Warhol, even though the meaning of "classical" and "real" had radically changed in the five hundred years separating them. Leonardo's breakthroughs in artistic perspective had radically brought the Christ figure into the viewer's world; Warhol brought Leonardo down off the wall, and in so doing brought Christ and the sacrament of the Eucharist into his world.

Indeed, Warhol's interest in Campbell's soup and the Last Supper are linked. Remember, Warhol said that his attraction to Campbell's soup was that he had eaten it every day as a child. Warhol's brother recalled that a reproduction of the Last Supper hung on their family's kitchen wall. As Warhol sat eating his soup, he ate under the watchful presence of Christ.

Another reason Warhol turned to the Last Supper was that it reminded him of his mother, Julia Warhola. Mrs. Warhola had a prayer card with an image of the Last Supper that she kept in her Bible. After her death, Warhol kept this card as a reminder of his mother's faith. He was very close to his mother, who came to live with him in New York. Warhol's brother noted that Andy and their mother had a small altar in their New York apartment and that "Andy wouldn't leave unless [she] would come into the kitchen and kneel down with him and pray."

Mrs. Warhola's prayer card bears a remarkable resemblance to Warhol's art, for it has reworked its subject significantly: the figure of Matthew is shifted, and Christ is given a golden halo -- changes probably made to invigorate the viewer's devotion. Is it too unlikely to suppose that Warhol's art had the same intent?

Works like Last Supper (Dove) bring together brand name products from the supermarket and the sacramental imagery of the church, asserting that modern life and faith are neither separate nor contradictory. Each makes the other more real and meaningful. The dove, descending from above Christ like a halo, represents the Holy Spirit; the General Electric sign (with its own halo) is a symbol of the Son. It doesn't take much imagination to connect GE with the light of the world, but there is an even subtler meaning to this sign: GE's slogan, "We bring good things to life," points to the resurrection and eternal life.

Warhol died of unexpected complications from routine surgery on February 22, 1987, making the Last Supper images a fitting, if unintentional, conclusion for Warhol's art. They show Christ in a creative and transformative action. Artistic transubstantiation allowed Warhol to identify with Christ, to see Christ as an artist and to see art as a sanctifying activity.

Indeed, Warhol's approach to art and Christianity exemplify what H. Richard Niebuhr, in Christ and Culture, famously called "Christ the Transformer of Culture." Just as Christ transformed common bread and wine into the holy sacraments, Warhol transformed everyday imagery into art.

The popularity of Warhol's work is a reflection of our own hunger for such transformation. Like all art, it raises questions: Are we hungry enough to accept anything offered to us? How are we to be discerning? Was Warhol discerning? If we are to "test each spirit," should we filter out Warhol? Was Warhol so hungry for something divine that he too easily accepted substitutes for the one thing that would satisfy him?

If we consider the disreputable company Warhol kept, our answer to the last question might be yes. Maybe Campbell's soup was no more than a commercial substitute for a spiritual hunger. But the spiritual sincerity and artistic complexities of his last works suggest that Andy Warhol's faith, and art, cannot be so easily dismissed.

November 12, 2003